


Funnies

by pissedoffeskimo



Series: Incestuous Cross-country Shenanigans [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-04
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-01-21 23:03:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1567235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pissedoffeskimo/pseuds/pissedoffeskimo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Episodic script play.  The little things my deviant brain hears with every episode, mostly because I watched way too much MST3K as a child.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Season 1

**Episode 1: Pilot**  
**Dean** : So, this is where she drowned her kids.  
**Sam** : That's why she could never go home, she was too scared to face them.  
**Dean** : You found her weak spot. Nice work, Sammy.  
**Sam** : Yeah, wish I could say the same for you. What were you thinking shooting Casper in the face, you freak?  
**Dean** : Hey, saved your ass. I'll tell you another thing, you screwed up my car... I'll kill you.  
**Sam** : *laugh*  
**Dean** : Oh, by the way, kept the handcuffs. You up for a little post-Hunt celebration, Winchester style?  
**Sam** : Dean, no, come on, I've got a girlfriend now. Put those away.  
**Dean** : *eyebrow waggle*  
**Sam** : Oh, what the hell, Casper did say I'd be unfaithful. Think the bed's still up there?  
**Dean** : Sex in a dead woman's bed? Why, Sam, you kinky little bitch.  
**Sam** : Race ya.

  
**Episode 2: Wendigo**  
**Dean** : You okay?  
**Sam** : Yeah, I'm fine.  
**Dean** : Another nightmare?  
**Sam** : *clear throat*  
**Dean** : Want to drive for a while?  
**Sam** : Dean, your whole life you've never once asked me that.  
**Dean** : Just thought you might want to. Never mind.  
**Sam** : Look man, you're worried about me, I get it and thank you, but I'm perfectly okay.  
**Dean** : ...post-nightmare blow job, then?  
**Sam** : I'm surprised you haven't already pulled over.  
**Dean** : Thought so.

  
**Episode 3: Dead in the Water**  
**Sam** : How are you holding up?  
**Andrea** : It's just gonna take a long time to sort through everything, you know.  
**Sam** : Andrea, I'm sorry...  
**A** **ndrea** : You saved my son, I can't ask for more than that. Dad loved me, he loved Lucas and no matter what he did, I just have to... hold onto that.  
**S** **am** : No! No, not that. I meant last night, when... look, Dean can get a little freaky and put a beer or two in me and... well, you know."  
**A** **ndrea** : Oh, right...  
**S** **am** : ....yeah.  
**A** **ndrea** : Don't worry about it, it's... fine. I put bananas in the lunch.  
**S** **am** : ...thanks. This is awkward.  
**A** **ndrea** : Yup.

  
**Episode 4: Phantom Traveler**  
**D** **ean** : Well, I kinda have this problem with, uh...  
**S** **am** : Flying?  
**D** **ean** : It's not really been an issue until now.  
**S** **am** : You're joking right?  
**D** **ean** : Do I look like I'm joking? Why do you think I drive everywhere, Sam?  
**S** **am** : Alright, uh, I'll go.  
**D** **ean** : What?!  
**S** **am** : I'll do this one on my own.  
**D** **ean** : What are you, nuts? You said it yourself, the plane's gonna crash.  
**S** **am** : Look, Dean, we can do it together, I can do this one by myself, I'm not seeing a third option here.  
**D** **ean** : Come on! Really? Man.  
**S** **am** : Dean?  
**D** **ean** : Okay, fine, but after this I, uh... I get to do that thing you haven't let me do yet.  
**S** **am** : What?  
**D** **ean** : You know...  
**S** **am** : Oh, come on, Dean!  
**D** **ean** : Fair's fair. I face my fear, you face yours.  
**S** **am** : Damnit!  
**D** **ean** : Come on, Sam, it's not so bad. I look cute in a rubber nose.  
**S** **am** : I hate you sometimes.  
**D** **ean** : Go get the tickets.

  
**Episode 5: Bloody Mary**  
**P** **olice** : Hold it!  
**D** **ean** : Wow, wow, wow, guys. It's a false alarm. I tripped the system.  
**P** **olice** : Who are you  
**D** **ean** : I'm the boss's kid.  
**P** **olice** : You're Mr. Yamashiro's kid?  
**D** **ean** : ...if by 'kid' you mean rent-boy.  
**P** **olice** : *exchanging looks*  
**D** **ean** : What?! You see these lips, they were made for sucking cock.

  
**Episode 6: Skin**  
**Rebeca** : So, this is what you do? You and your brother, you hunt down these kinds of things?  
**S** **am** : Yeah, pretty much. Well, that and have sex together, but... you walked in on that last night, so...  
**Rebeca** : I can't believe it. I mean, I saw it with my own eyes and... I mean, does everybody at school...? Nobody knows that you do this?  
**S** **am** : No  
**Rebeca** : Did Jessica know?  
**S** **am** : No, she didn't.  
**Rebeca** : Must be lonely.  
**S** **am** : ...? Oh! You were talking about the Hunting!  
**Rebeca** : Yeah, I'm pretty much repressing the other. Although, I never realized the human body could _bend_ that way.  
**S** **am** : We can go back to talking about Hunting.  
**Rebeca** : Thanks.

  
**Episode 7: Hook Man**  
**D** **ean** : But I burned those bones, I buried them in salt. Why didn't that stop him?  
**S** **am** : You must have missed something.  
**D** **ean** : No, I burned everything in that coffin.  
**S** **am** : Did you get the hook?  
**D** **ean** : The hook?  
**S** **am** : Well, it was the murder weapon, and in a way it was part of him.  
**D** **ean** : So, like the bones, the hook is the source of the power.  
**S** **am** : So, if we find the hook  
**B** **oth** : We stop the hookman.  
**D** **ean** : Man, I'm feeling so good about this, I'd almost consider letting you top.  
**S** **am** : Really?  
**D** **ean** : No. Come on, we've got to find that hook.  
**S** **am** : Fucking cock tease.

  
**Episode 8: Bugs**  
**M** **other** : Oh, god, what’s that?  
**D** **ean** : Something’s eating through the wood.  
**S** **am** : Like I was eating your wood last night?  
**D** **ean** : Dude, not now.  
**S** **am** : Right, sorry.  
**M** **atthew** : Uh... guys, it’s termites. Aren't you two brothers?

  
**Episode 9: Home**  
**M** **issouri** : *hits Dean upside the head*  
**D** **ean** : What?!  
**M** **issouri** : That's for what you did in that little girl's bedroom.  
**D** **ean** : Sam did it too! How come you're not hitting him?  
**M** **issouri** : Boy, don't talk back to me! Now get busy cleaning up this mess while I go wash the sheets.

  
**Episode 10: Asylum**  
**S** **am** : Dean, step back from the door.  
**D** **ean** : Sam, put the gun down.  
**S** **am** : Is that an order?  
**D** **ean** : No, it's more of a friendly request.  
**S** **am** : 'Cause I'm gettin' pretty tired of takin' your orders. And for that matter, why can't I ever top, huh?  
**D** **ean** : I knew it, Ellicott did something to you. You love being my bitch.  
**S** **am** : For once in your life, just shut your mouth.  
**D** **ean** : What are you gonna do, Sam? Gun's filled with rock salt. It's not gonna kill me.  
**S** **am** : No, but it'll hurt like hell and it'll put you flat on your back. Let's see who the bitch is now.

 _-Five Minutes Later-  
_ ****

**D** **ean** : You're not gonna try and kill me, are you?  
**S** **am** : No.  
**D** **ean** : Good, 'cause that would be awkward. ...you're not gonna try and top me, either, right?  
**S** **am** : No, Dean, now can we stop bringing up embarrassing moments of the last half hour and get the hell out of here.

  
**Episode 11: Scarecrow**  
**D** **ean** : So, can I drop you off somewhere?  
**S** **am** : No, I think you're stuck with me.  
**D** **ean** : What made you change your mind?  
**S** **am** : I didn’t. I still want to find Dad, and you’re still a pain in the ass. But Jess and mom, they’re both gone. Dad is god knows where. You and me, we’re all that’s left. So, uh, if we’re gonna see this through, we’regonna do it together.  
**D** **ean** : Hold me, Sam, that was beautiful.  
**S** **am** : You should be kissing me ass. You were dead meat, dude.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah right, I had a plan, I’d have gotten out.  
**S** **am** : Right. Hey, and I meant that about kissing my ass. It’s been weeks since I had a good rimming.  
**D** **ean** : Dream on, little brother.

  
**Episode 12: Faith**  
**S** **am** : I got it. Hey Layla, come on in.  
**L** **ayla** : Hey.  
**D** **ean** : Hey. How did you know we were here?  
**L** **ayla** : Um, Sam called, he said you wanted to say goodbye.  
**S** **am** : I'm gonna grab a soda.  
**D** **ean** : Give me one second, Layla, I'll be right back. *outside the room* Dude, what the hell?!  
**S** **am** : Think of it as a freebee, man, I won't even hold it against you. Just figured you could use some tail, is all. You went what, nearly a week without any?  
**D** **ean** : Yeah and I'm still sore from last night, Mr. Third-Time's-the-Freakin-Charm.  
**S** **am** : Oh, I'm sure you'll manage somehow. And maybe next time, you won't go trying to die on me.  
**D** **ean** : I hate you.  
**S** **am** : Go get her tiger.

  
**Episode 13: Route 666**  
**S** **am** : I like her.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah.  
**S** **am** : You meet someone like her, ever make you wonder if it's worth it, putting everything else on hold. Doing what we do?  
**D** **ean** : Are you crazy or just jealous?  
**S** **am** : Right. You planning on staying faithful?  
**D** **ean** : Sure, until the next motel.  
**S** **am** : More like the next pit stop.  
**D** **ean** : Pull over now.

  
**Episode 14: Nightmare**  
**S** **am** : So you weren't gonna launch a knife at your step mom, right here? Is it that hard to believe, Max? Look what you can do. Max, I was drawn here, alright. I think I'm here to help you.  
**M** **ax** : No one can help me.  
**S** **am** : Let me try. We'll just talk, me and you... and maybe a little makeup remover.  
**M** **ax** : What?  
**S** **am** : It's the lipstick, kid, it's kind of creepy.  
**M** **ax** : ...I'm not wearing lipstick.  
**D** **ean** : Oh, way to go, genius.

  
**Episode 15: Benders**  
**H** ey Jensen,  
      Dude, I love your fans.  
      Hillbilly Lust _(aff, author: Darkestangel)_  
      -Jared  
**H** ey Jared,  
      Love yours more, bottom boy.  
      Look What Love Has Done _(livejournal, user: laminy)_  
      -Jensen  
**J** ensen,  
      Two can play that, pretty boy.  
      9 Months _(sam/dean slash archive, author: sammyndeansgrl)_  
      -Jared  
**J** ared,  
      Oh, right, because you're Mr. Macho.  
      Power of the Pen... Er, Laptop _(aff, author: slasherseries)_  
      -Jensen  
**J** ensen,  
      That was weak, dude. Did you even read it?  
      Bittersweet Reunion _(aff, author: Darkestangel)_  
      -Jared  
**J** ared,  
      Of course I didn't read it. I haven't read any of them. Wait, are you saying you do?!  
      -Jensen  
**J** ensen,  
      No, of course not. God, what do you take me for?  
      -Jared  
**J** ared,  
      A slutty little perv that likes to read over-gratifying stories about himself having sex.  
      -Jensen  
**J** ensen,  
      Touche. My place or yours?  
      -Jared  
**J** ared,  
      Mine and it's your turn to bring the lube.  
      -Jensen

  
**Episode 16: Shadow**  
**D** **ean** : You trapped us, good for you, it's Miller time, but why don't you just kill us already.  
**M** **eg** : Not very quick on the uptake are we? This trap isn't for you.  
**S** **am** : Dad. It's a trap for Dad.  
**D** **ean** : Aw, sweatheart, you're dumber'n you look, 'cause even if Dad was in town, which he is not, he wouldn't walk into somethin' like this. He's too good.  
**M** **eg** : He is pretty good, I'll give you that. But you see, he has one weakness.  
**D** **ean** : Transvestite hookers?  
**M** **eg** : ...  
**D** **ean** : 'Cause, I'll give you props for figuring that out, but honestly, I don't see how it's going to help you much. Unless... Sam, you dog. You take more after the old man than I give you credit for.  
**S** **am** : Dude, she means _us_. _We_ are Dad's weakness.  
**D** **ean** : Oh.

  
**Episode 17: Hell House**  
**S** **am** : Look, it is a pretty big deal, alright, and it wasn't easy to dig up, so only if we have your word that you'll shut everything down.  
**E** **d** : Totally.  
**S** **am** : Alright. It's a death certificate, from the thirties. We got it at the library. Now, according to the coroner, the actual cause of death was a self inflicted gun shot wound.  
**D** **ean** : That's right, he didn't hang or cut himself.  
**H** **arry** : He shot himself?  
**S** **am** : Yup, with a .45 pistol. To this day, they say he's terrified of 'em.  
**D** **ean** : As a matter of fact, they say that if you shoot him with a .45 loaded with these special wrought-iron rounds, you can kill the son of a bitch.  
**S** **am** : Oh, and another thing. Apparently, it's not girls Murdock's got a thing for, it's young men. Short brown hair, green eyes, round about six feet tall, full lips. You know, pretty boys.  
**H** **arry** : *runs*  
**E** **d** : Harry, slow down, they're gonna know we're excited.  
**D** **ean** : Sam, what the hell?!  
**S** **am** : Payback's a bitch.

  
**Episode 18: Something Wicked**  
**M** **ichael** : If you kill it, will Asher get better?  
**D** **ean** : Honestly? We don't know.  
**M** **ichael** : You said you're a big brother?  
**D** **ean** : Yeah.  
**M** **ichael** : You take care of your little brother? You'd do anything for him?  
**D** **ean** : Except bottom.  
**M** **ichael** : What?  
**D** **ean** : Nothing. Yeah, yeah I would.  
**S** **am** : *mumbling* Jackass.

  
**Episode 19: Provenance**  
**Sam** : Sarah, think about it. Evelyn, the Taleska's, they both had the painting and there have been others before that. Wherever this thing goes, people die and we're just trying to stop it. And that's the truth.  
**S** **arah** : Well, then, I guess you'd better show me. I'm coming with you.  
**S** **am** : What? No. Sarah, no, you should just go home. This stuff can get dangerous and... and I'm sleeping with my brother.  
**S** **arah** : What?!  
**S** **am** : Yeah, so, uh, it's just better for everyone if you just leave and...  
**S** **arah** : Wait, wait, wait, _that_ brother?  
**S** **am** : Yeah.  
**S** **arah** : You sleep with him. As in... _sleep_ with him?  
**S** **am** : ...yeah.  
**S** **arah** : That I gotta see, but _after_ we kill this thing. So, are we going or what?  
**D** **ean** : Sam, marry that girl.

  
**Episode 20: Dead Man's Blood**  
**S** **am** : We don't even know what these things are, yet.  
**J** **ohn** : They were what Daniel Elkins killed best. Vampires.  
**D** **ean** : Vampires? I thought there was no such thing.  
**S** **am** : You never even mentioned them, Dad.  
**J** **ohn** : I thought they were extinct. Besides, you boys had some pretty weird kinks. For all I knew, you'd try to hunt one down just to jump on the necrophilia train.  
**S** **am** : What?! That's not fair. Dean, maybe, but me...  
**D** **ean** : Hey! I do not have sex with dead chicks.  
**S** **am** : Except that one time?  
**D** **ean** : That was different.  
**S** **am** : How?  
**D** **ean** : I didn't know she was dead.  
**S** **am** : Dude, you have some serious issues.  
**D** **ean** : Aw, give us a kiss.  
**S** **am** : Oh, gross, Dean, come on, not in front of Dad.  
**J** **ohn** : See, that's what I'm talking about.  
**D** **ean** : Like you're one to talk, Mr. Transvestite Hookers, and what about that goat out at Pastor Jim's. What'd it ever do to you?

  
**Episode 21: Salvation**  
**J** **ohn** : Son of a bitch.  
**D** **ean** : What is it?  
**J** **ohn** : I just got a call from Caleb.  
**D** **ean** : Is he okay?  
**J** **ohn** : He's fine. Jim Murphy's dead.  
**S** **am** : Pastor Jim? How?  
**J** **ohn** : Throat was slashed. He bled out.  
**D** **ean** : What about the goat?  
**S** **am** : Oh, bad taste, Dean.  
**D** **ean** : What? Dad's the only one that can get friendly with Frank?  
**S** **am** : Oh, man, you too? See, this is why I left. I hate you guys. *gets in the car*

  
**Episode 20: Devil's Trap**  
**S** **am** : Dean, what the hell is going on?  
**D** **emon** : Your brother's lost his mind.  
**D** **ean** : He's not Dad.  
**S** **am** : What?  
**D** **ean** : I think he's possessed. I think he's been possessed since we rescued him.  
**D** **emon** : Don't listen to him, Sammy.  
**S** **am** : Dean, how do you know?  
**D** **ean** : He's different. He hasn't made one joke about being found tied to that bed, or beastiality, and he hasn't once tried to stick his hand down my pants.  
**S** **am** : Not once?  
**D** **ean** : Nope. And now that I think about it, he hasn't said anything our sex-capades, either and I know Dad better than anyone, he would be itching to rip into us about what we could have been up to while he was missing.  
**S** **am** : *stands with Dean*  
**D** **emon** : ...what the fuck is wrong with you Winchesters?! First you accuse my daughter of being a Transvestite, you shoot me son and make cracks about him topping Sam, then you accuse me of not being your father because I haven't _stuck my hand down your pants_? I thought that was just one of his sick fantasies or something. You know what, never mind, you win. I was going to corrupt Sammy, but looks like you guys have got that well and truly _covered_. I'll just show myself out then. You boys can pick up your old man by his truck in about five minutes. God, and I thought my family was fucked up. *walks out*  
**D** **ean** : Okay. So, um...  
**S** **am** : Yeah.  
**D** **ean** : Awkward.  
**S** **am** : Oh, yeah.  
**D** **ean** : ...hey, we've got five minutes to kill. Want to have sex?  
**S** **am** : Only if we can do it in Dad's bed.


	2. Season 2

**Episode 1: In My Time of Dying**  
**D** **ean** : I don’t think it’s killing people, I think it’s taking them. You know, when... when they’re time’s just up.  
**S** **am** : A reaper. Dean, is it after you? If it’s here naturally, there’s no way to stop it.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, you can’t kill death.  
**S** **am** : Man, you’re um...  
**D** **ean** : I’m screwed, Sam. But there is something you can do for me.  
**S** **am** : Wait, what...? H. O. R. N. Y? You’re horny? How can you be horny at a time like this?  
**D** **ean** : Come on, Sammy, consider it my dying wish.  
**S** **am** : N. A. K. E... Oh, no, I am not getting naked in a god damn hospital so you can jack off as a ghost. That is so like you... What? C. O. M. E. O. N. No, this is wrong, it’s... P. L. E. A. S. E. Damnit. Fine, but you so owe me for this.  
  
**Episode 2: Everyone Loves a Clown**  
**J** **o** : So.  
**D** **ean** : So.  
**J** **o** : Am I gonna see you again?  
**D** **ean** : Do you want to?  
**J** **o** : I wouldn’t hate it.  
**D** **ean** : Hm. Can I be honest with you? You see, normally, I’d be hitting on you so fast it’d make your head spin. But, uh... these days... I don’t know.  
**J** **o** : Wrong place? Wrong time? It’s okay, I get it. You’re sleeping with your brother.  
**D** **ean** : What?!  
**J** **o** : No, it’s cool, really, although, just a heads up, those windows in that van? Not nearly as tinted as you two seem to think.  
**D** **ean** : ...  
**J** **o** : Tell you what, stud, you boys decide you want a little extra fun, you let me know.  
  
**Episode 3: Bloodlust**  
**G** **ordon** : Sam and Dean Winchester. I can’t believe it. You know, you guys are seriously famous.  
**S** **am** : Famous?  
**G** **ordon** : You mean, you don’t know?  
**D** **ean** : Know about what, dude?  
**G** **ordon** : The website; pictures, videos. That's some kinky stuff you boys get into. It’s moderated by this chick named Sarah out of New York. Lot of contributors. One of the biggest was some girl named Meg, but, uh, she dropped off a few months ago. No one’s really sure what happened to her. It’s all over the network.  
**D** **ean** : Network?!  
**G** **ordon** : Yeah, you know how Hunters talk.  
**D** **ean** : No, we don’t, actually.  
**G** **ordon** : Guess there’s a lot your Dad never told you, huh?  
**D** **ean** : I guess not.  
**G** **ordon** : Look, don’t take it personal okay. We all do desperate things when we’re lonely. Now, about this job. I’ve got it covered. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a real pleasure meeting you fellows, but I’ve been on this thing for over a year. I killed a fang back in Austin, tracked the nest all the way up here. I’ll finish it. *drives off*  
**S** **am** : Dude, _network_? _All over_? _Sarah_?! Man, I knew hooking up with her was a bad idea.  
**D** **ean** : Come on, it isn’t that bad. Besides, it wasn’t like you weren’t there, and sober this time.  
**S** **am** : So help me god, Dean, if there are pictures of us in that van, I am withholding for a week.  
**D** **ean** : Dude, that was the best thing that ever happened in that van.  
**S** **am** : A week, Dean!  
**D** **ean** : Son of a bitch.  
  
**Episode 4: Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things**  
**N** **iel** : What are you guys doing here?  
**D** **ean** : You know, I've heard of some people doing some pretty desperate things to get laid, but you? You take the cake.  
**N** **iel** : Okay, who are you guys?  
**D** **ean** : You might want to ask Angela that question.  
**N** **iel** : What?  
**S** **am** : We know what you did.  
**N** **iel** : Okay, fine, but I'm not doing it again. I don't care how much you offer to pay me this time...  
**S** **am** : Wow, wow, wait; what are you talking about?!  
**N** **iel** : The thing with the Bait Bus. Isn't that...?  
**D** **ean** : No, god, what the hell? We said ask _Angela_. You know, the chick you brought back from the dead?  
**N** **iel** : Oh, because, Angela kind of worked with them, so I thought... you know what, never mind. Where were we?  
**D** **ean** : We were intimidating you into telling us about how you used ancient Greek rituals to turn your would-be girlfriend into a walking dead blowup doll.  
**N** **iel** : ...so about that Bait Bus thing...  
  
**Episode 5: Simon Says**  
**A** **ndy** : I mean, like, when I got my mind thing, it was like a gift, you know? It was like I won the lotto.  
**S** **am** : But, you still live in a van? I don't get it. I mean, you could have anything you ever wanted.  
**A** **ndy** : I mean... I... I've got everything I need.  
**S** **am** : So, you're really not a killer, huh?  
**A** **ndy** : That's what I've been trying to tell you.  
**S** **am** : That's good. It means there's hope for both of us. Look, when all this is over, you think you could do me a favor?  
**A** **ndy** : Yeah, sure.  
**S** **am** : Call my brother's cell and tell him to do whatever I say for thirty minutes.  
**A** **ndy** : Oh, I don't know...  
**S** **am** : *puppy dog eyes*  
**A** **ndy** : ...what the hell, us psychics gotta stick together, right? So, thirty minutes?  
**S** **am** : Better make it an hour.  
  
**Episode 6: No Exit**  
**J** **o** : What do you... what do you remember about your dad? I mean, what's the first thing that pops into your head?  
**D** **ean** : ...  
**J** **o** : Come on, tell me.  
**D** **ean** : I was six or seven and, uh, we _really_ needed the money...  
  
**Episode 7: Usual Suspects**  
**S** **am** : These showed up after you saw it?  
**D** **iana** : Yeah, I... I geuss  
**S** **am** : They looked like rope burn, thick rope, but it didn’t break the skin, so not too rough. Kind of reminds me of the marks on my arms after Dean and I...  
**D** **iana** : *cough*  
**S** **am** : Oh, um, right, sorry. Uh, you’re gonna have to tell me exactly what you saw.  
  
**Episode 8: Crossroad Blues**  
**S** **am** : So much for a low profile. You've got a warrant in St. Louis and you're officially in the Fed's database.  
**D** **ean** : Dude, I'm like Dillinger or something.  
**S** **am** : Dean, it's not funny. Makes the job harder. We've gotta be more careful now. Besides, Dillinger probably never had a prostitution wrap.  
**D** **ean** : What?!  
**S** **am** : *smirk*  
**D** **ean** : How the hell did they find out about that?  
**S** **am** : ...I was kidding.  
**D** **ean** : Oh. Awkward.  
  
**Episode 9: Croatoan**  
**S** **am** : How you holding up, Pam?  
**P** **am** : Good. It'll all be over soon. In fact, I've been waiting for this the whole time.  
**S** **am** : For what?  
**P** **am** : To get you alone. *attacks Sam*  
**D** **ean** : *charges in, shoots Pam* He's mine, bitch. I mean... *glances back at Sarge* You okay there, Sammy?  
  
**Episode 10: Hunted**  
**G** **ordon** : Dean, it's his destiny. Look, I'm sympathetic. He's your brother, you love the guy. This has gotta hurt like hell for you. *gets out gag* But here's the thing, it would have wrecked him, but... wait, did you hear that?  
**D** **ean** : Hmmhp...?  
**G** **ordon** : Just then it... it sounded like a thousand fangirls orgasming at the same time.  
**D** **ean** : Mmmm...  
  
**Episode 11: Playthings**  
**T** **yler** : Mommy, the boy dolls keep getting on top of each other!  
  
_and_  
  
**S** **am** : Dude, what the fuck? It was one doll. _One_. I didn't even want it; it came with my fucking Happy Meal.  
**D** **ean** : Whatever, Dude, you kept that thing under your seat for like three years.  
**S** **am** : I wasn't keeping it, I lost it!  
**D** **ean** : Sure you did.  
**S** **am** : You are such a jerk  
  
**Episode 12: Nightshifter**  
**S** **am** : Dean, we’re supposed to be looking for eyes.  
**D** **ean** : I’m gettin’ there.  
**S** **am** : Oh, yeah?  
**D** **ean** : Uhhu. Wait a minute. Hello, freak.  
**S** **am** : Got him.  
**D** **ean** : Sam.  
**S** **am** : What?  
**D** **ean** : Would you mind? I’ve kinda got a problem I could use your help with. If you know what I mean.  
**S** **am** : No, Dean. Now, come on.  
**D** **ean** : Wait.  
**S** **am** : What?  
**D** **ean** : I can’t go out like this.  
**S** **am** : Then you shouldn’t have been looking at ass when you were supposed to be doing your job. You want to help yourself, I’ll be waiting outside.  
**D** **ean** : Sam.  
**S** **am** : Dean, for the last time, I don’t care how horny you are, or how hot you look in that uniform, I am not giving you a blowjob in the security office of a bank!  
**D** **ean** : I was gonna say Ronald’s chaining the front door, but... you really think I look hot?  
**S** **am** : Shut up.  
  
**Episode 13: Houses of the Holy**  
**D** **ean** : Say it.  
**S** **am** : No.  
**D** **ean** : Come on, Sammy.  
**S** **am** : No.  
**D** **ean** : Do it, or I won’t give you another quarter.  
**S** **am** : ...fine. You were right.  
**D** **ean** : And?  
**S** **am** : There really is magic in the Magic Fingers. Now give me the damn roll.  
  
**Episode 14: Born Under a Bad Sign**  
**D** **ean** : Sam, when Dad told me I might have to kill you, it was only if I couldn't save you. Now, if it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna save you. Even if I have to bend over and take it up the ass every now and again.  
**S** **am** : Really?  
**D** **ean** : Yeah.  
**S** **am** : You know, I am feeling kind of... evil.  
**D** **ean** : Not right now.  
**S** **am** : Come on, I've got all this... rage and aggression. I need to take it out on something.  
**D** **ean** : What, like my ass?  
**S** **am** : That's what I was thinking.  
**D** **ean** : Well, think again, demon-boy, you're not getting much more than standing blowjobs until this shoulder heals.  
**S** **am** : But... bullet wounds can take weeks to heal.  
**D** **ean** : You think I don't know that?  
**S** **am** : Next time I see her, the bitch will _die_.  
  
**Episode 15: Tall Tales**  
**S** **am** : Hey, give me back my money.  
**D** **ean** : Oh, no. No, consider it reparations for emotional trauma.  
**S** **am** : Yeah, very funny, now give it back.  
**D** **ean** : No.  
**S** **am** : Dean, I have had it up to here with you.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, right back atcha.  
_*hot boy wrestling*_  
**B** **obby** : Okay, I've heard enough.  
**D** **ean** : But I was just getting to the good part. So, Sam was behind me, you know, trying to get the money clip - which never would have worked if he hadn't distracted me - and I feel something poking my back and I asked him, "Is that your dick, or are you just happy to see me," and Sam was all, "Oh, Deany, I can't stay mad at you. Take me, big boy."  
**S** **am** : I did not!  
**D** **ean** : Dude, you totally did. Then, he was all "I love you, Dean" with his hand down my pants, like he hadn't fucked my car up not ten minutes ago and I would have pointed that out, but him being my bitch and all...  
**S** **am** : I am not your bitch! And I did not say that.  
**D** **ean** : Like you remember anything you say when my cock's up your...  
**B** **obby** : Okay, boys, that's enough.  
**D** **ean** : But...  
**B** **obby** : _Really_.  
**D** **ean** : Fine.  
**S** **am** : ... you're the bitch.  
**D** **ean** : Oh, that's _it_!  
**B** **obby** : I'll just be waiting outside then. I swear, they never change.  
  
**Episode 16: Roadkill**  
**M** **olly** : Stop! Stop!  
**D** **ean** : Holy...  
**M** **olly** : You have to help me.  
**S** **am** : Dean, I don’t think she knows she’s dead.  
**D** **ean** : You know what this means?  
**S** **am** : Huh? What are you...  
**D** **ean** : Dude, ghost sex!  
**S** **am** : ...  
**M** **olly** : You’ve gotta help me. *bangs on window* Please! Please?  
**D** **ean** : Oh, and she can touch things. We are so in there.  
**S** **am** : Dean, shut up. All right, all right, calm down. Calm down. Tell us what happened.  
  
**Episode 17: Heart**  
**S** **am** : She... she turned.  
**D** **ean** : What?  
**S** **am** : I couldn’t grab her in time.  
**D** **ean** : We’ll find her, Sammy.  
**S** **am** : Wait. Dean...  
**D** **ean** : Yeah?  
**S** **am** : Werewolf sex. That’s one up on you _and_ Dad.  
  
**Episode 18: Hollywood Babylon**  
**D** **ean** : Hey, uh, I wanted to ask you. What was it like working with Richard Mole?  
**S** **am** : ...  
**D** **ean** : Metal Storm. He was Hiron, King of the Psychlopse People.  
**G** **erard** : Gentlemen’s Gentleman.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah?  
**S** **am** : Are we done here? Or did you wanna, you know, get on your knees and maybe suck his cock or something?  
**D** **ean** : ...Can I?  
  
**Episode 19: Folsom Prison Blues**  
**D** **aniels** : They just don’t seem cut and dry guilty to me. I think there’s more to this.  
**H** **enriksen** : Like what?  
**D** **aniels** : I don’t know, I can’t put my _fingers_ in it. It’s just... strange.  
**H** **enriksen** : Wait, did you say put your fingers _in_ it?  
**D** **aniels** : Just wait, Henriksen, something doesn’t add up. Those boys are _getting off_. I’ll see to it.  
**H** **enriksen** : You’ll what?  
**D** **aniels** : You know, you don’t even have enough _hard_ evidence.  
**H** **enriksen** : That’s just wrong.  
**D** **aniels** : Mark my word, I’ll wrap my mouth around this one...  
**H** **enriksen** : ...  
**D** **aniels** : Yeah, I know. I’d already used a hand reference, though. I was kind of stuck.  
**H** **enriksen** : See, that’s where you went wrong, you should have gone with something like... digging deep, maybe?  
**D** **aniels** : Hm. Okay, I got it, let’s try this again. They just don’t seem cut and dry guilty to me. I think there’s more to this.  
**H** **enriksen** : Like what?  
**D** **aniels** : I don’t know, it’s just strange. I think I need to dig _deeper_.  
**H** **enriksen** : Much better.  
  
**Episode 20: What Is and What Should Never Be**  
**D** **ean** : I don’t believe it.  
**M** **ary** : Honey, you’re grabbing my ass.  
**D** **ean** : Sorry, just... old habit.  
**M** **ary** : What?  
**D** **ean** : Nothing.  
  
_Later_  
  
**S** **am** : Okay, what’s gotten into you?  
**D** **ean** : What do you mean?  
**S** **am** : I mean this whole warm, fuzzy, ecstacy trip thing.  
**D** **ean** : I’m just happy for you, Sammy.  
**S** **am** : Yeah, right, that’s another thing. Since when do you call me Sammy? Dean, come on. We don’t talk outside of holidays  
**D** **ean** : We don’t? ... Wait, does that mean we don’t...?  
**S** **am** : Don’t what?  
**D** **ean** : Well, _you know_.  
**S** **am** : No, I don’t.  
**D** **ean** : ... Oh, that does it, this reality sucks.  
**S** **am** : Dean, where are you going?  
**D** **ean** : To kill a goddamned genie. Wish granting my ass, it’s more like a friggin’ nightmare. Where the hell does Mom keep the silver? And do you know where there’s an all night butcher somewhere around here?  
  
**Episode 21: All Hell Breaks Lose (Part One)**  
**D** **emon** : You’re awfully quite, Sam. You’re not mad at me, are ya?  
**S** **am** : I’m gonna... fuck the shit out of you, I swear to...  
**D** **emon** : Wait, what?! Where the hell did that come from?  
**S** **am** : Well... it’s like... I mean... Dean said...  
**D** **emon** : Dean said what?  
**S** **am** : We both kind of noticed that pretty much everyone I sleep with dies. Actually, more than pretty much. So, we figured if I slept with you...  
**D** **emon** : Zip that the hell back up. Boy, what is wrong with you? Maybe I was little rash taking Daddy away. You two can’t pull a plot device out of each other’s ass without him leading the way. You've been sleeping with Dean for how long? I haven't killed him, have I?  
**S** **am** : You tried! Dean’s just strong and... smart and stuff, so...  
**D** **emon** : Strong and smart and stuff. Well, I’ll give you ‘and stuff,’ but here’s the thing, Sammy. If I’d wanted to take Dean, I would have. So, what you have to ask yourself... I said _zip up_ and put your shirt back on. What you have to ask yourself is, why didn’t I?  
**S** **am** : Because... I got nothing.  
**D** **emon** : I swear, it’s like talking to a male model.  
  
**Episode 22: All Hell Breaks Lose (Part Two)**  
**D** **emon** : You saw what your brother just did to Jake, right? That was pretty cold, wasn’t it? How certain are you, that what you brought back is one hundred percent pure Sam?  
**D** **ean** : Pretty sure.  
**D** **emon** : ...  
**S** **am** : Dean, what’s he talking about?  
**D** **ean** : He still can’t do the reach around worth hell and he pretty much sucks at deep throating.  
**S** **am** : Dude, that is private!  
**D** **ean** : I’m just saying, you’ve been giving head for like, what? Ten years. You’d think you’d have your gag reflex under control about now.  
**S** **am** : Just because I’m not some world class cock sucker like you doesn't mean I’m no good at blow jobs!  
**D** **ean** : Ah, baby, I never said you were no good. I’m just saying that’s like sodomy, right? Total sin, goes against god, all that church crap. If the demon chick put something demonic in you, I just figured you’d be a little better at it, that’s all.  
**S** **am** : No, you know what’s all? You’re not getting head for the next month.  
**D** **ean** : Don’t be like that...  
**S** **am** : Wait... where did the demon go?  
**D** **ean** : ... I don’t know. Did he leave _again_?  
**S** **am** : Son of a bitch!  
**D** **ean** : Hey, that’s my line.


	3. Season 3

**Episode 1: The Magnificent Seven**  
**S** **am** : Let me see your knife.  
**D** **ean** : What for?  
**Sam** : So I can gouge my eyes out?  
**D** **ean** : It was a beautiful, natural act, Sam.  
**S** **am** : It's a part of you I never wanted to see, Dean.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, well, what can I say? Sometimes the fangirls want het.  
**S** **am** : Screw the fangirls, that was all Kripke and he is one sick bastard.  
**D** **ean** : If it makes you feel any better, I only enjoyed it a little.  
**S** **am** : I hate you.  
**D** **ean** : You're just jealous 'cause the last girl you made it with begged you to shoot her.  
**Sam** : Really, _really_ hate you.  
  
_and_  
  
(Ruby kills brown hairs chick/demon, Sam grabs Pride, Ruby stabs Pride)  
**Sam** : Who the hell are you?  
**Ruby** : The new website administrator.  
**Sam** : What?  
**R** **uby** : I'm the girl that just saved your ass.  
**S** **am** : Right...  
  
**Episode 2: The Kids Are Alright**  
**G** **umbi Girl** : Do you think he'll be okay?  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, I think he'll be fine. Okay, seriously, you... I mean, you're 100 percent sure he is not mine?  
**G** **umbi Girl** : You're off the hook. I did a blood test when he was a baby. There was this guy, bar back in a biker joint.  
**D** **ean** : ...  
**G** **umbi Girl** : What? I had a type. Leather jacket, couple of scars, no mailing address, I was there. Guess I was a little wild back then. Before I became a mom. So, yeah, you can relax.  
**D** **ean** : Good.  
**G** **umbi Girl** : I... I swear you look disappointed.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, well, Sammy's always wanted kids, but I was never into it. He's alright, though, you know? I'd be proud to be his dad.  
**G** **umbi Girl** : Isn't Sam you're brother?  
**D** **ean** : ...No. How do you feel about threesomes?  
  
**Episode 3: Bad Day at Black Rock**  
**D** **ean** : 1995.  
**S** **am** : No way! That's my division championship soccer trophy. I can't believe he kept this.  
**D** **ean** : It's about the closest you ever came to being a boy. Ah, wow! It's Dad's secret porn stash!  
**S** **am** : Wait! Don't.  
**D** **ean** : Why not?  
**S** **am** : Dean, he didn't hide transvestite hookers from us. There could be anything in there, but I'm betting whatever it is, we don't want to see it.  
**D** **ean** : *nods* You're right. We'll mail it to Bobby.  
  
**Episode 4: Sin City**  
**D** **ean** : Richie? I don't believe it.  
**R** **ichie** : Hey, Dean... Winchester, right?  
**D** **ean** : Yeah.  
**R** **ichie** : Yeah. Oh, um, this is my sister, uh, Cheryl.  
**C** **heryll** : Hey.  
**D** **ean** : Hey, Cheryl.  
**R** **ichie** : Well, you know, step sister.  
**D** **ean** : Come on in. This is my little brother Sam.  
**R** **ichie** : Really? I didn't know you swung that way.  
**D** **ean** : Not like that. Well, kind of like that.  
  
**Episode 5: Bedtime Stories**  
**D** **ean** : Well, you're right, it's Snow White in spades  
**S** **am** : Yup. Stepmom poisons the girl, puts her into a deep sleep. What's the motive, you think?  
**D** **ean** : Could be like Misha Barton.  
**S** **am** : ...?  
**D** **ean** : Sixth Sense, not the OC.  
**S** **am** : Why am I the bottom again?  
**D** **ean** : Shut up. You know fairytales, I know movies.  
  
**Episode 6: Red Sky at Morning**  
**D** **ean** : Okay, get it out. I look ridiculous.  
**B** **ella** : Not exactly the word I'd use.  
**D** **ean** : Don't objectify me. That's Sam's job.  
**B** **ella** : He's welcome to join.  
**D** **ean** : ...maybe. Come on, we've got a job to do.  
  
**Episode 7: Fresh Blood**  
**V** **ampire** : You don't understand.  
**D** **ean** : I don't want to understand, you son of a...  
**V** **ampire** : I was desperate. You ever felt desperate? I've lost everyone I ever loved.  I'm staring down eternity alone. Can you think of a worse hell?  
**D** **ean** : No sex on prom night?  
**S** **am** : Dean!  Are you still on that?  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, well, it was pretty damn important.  
**S** **am** : It was over ten years ago and you didn't even go to prom.  
**D** **ean** : What, so I don't deserve prom-night sex because I didn't put on a monkey suit and dance the Macarena? I've got feelings too, Sammy!  
**S** **am** : No, you don't. You have a dick that does the driving for you and this isn't even about prom. I was fourteen at your prom, we'd barely managed our first handjob. This is about earlier. I wasn't trying to stiff you, I just wasn't in the mood.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, you go badass Hunter on me and then when I put the moves on, because it was totally hot, you're all, “Not now, Dean, my panties are in a twist, because blah blah blah.”  
**S** **am** : Dude, I do not sounds like that and how come every time you mimic me, you start that babbling shit. I don't babble.  
**D** **ean** : Then how come all I'm hearing is, “Blah blah blah.”  
**V** **ampire** : I take it back, this is far worse. Just cut my head off and get it over with.  
**S** **am** : Now look what you've done. The vampire is asking us to kill him. Way to go, Dean.  
**D** **ean** : This so is not my fault. You're the one with the magical death penis.  
**S** **am** : My penis went nowhere near him.  
**V** **ampire** : Seriously, guys, please? I can't really kill myself, so if you could just...  
  
**Episode 8: A Very Supernatural Christmas**  
**D** **ean** : Hey, Sam?  
**S** **am** : Yeah?  
**D** **ean** : Why are you the boy that hates Christmas?  
**S** **am** : Dean...  
**D** **ean** : I mean, I admit it, we had a few bumpy holidays when we were kids, but that...  
**S** **am** : Bumpy?  
**D** **ean** : That was then. We'll do it right this year.  
**S** **am** : Look, Dean, it's... it's not like that, okay? It's just...  
**D** **ean** : Come on, Sam, you can tell me.  
**S** **am** : Remember the year Dad was actually there? Like physically there Christmas morning?  
**D** **ean** : How could I not? It was the only time I didn't have to put up your stocking.  
**S** **am** : I woke up that night and I heard something. It was like... I dunno, something thumping around in the other room and I thought it was Santa.  
**D** **ean** : Really? You thought Santa was real?  
**S** **am** : That's the thing. I was right - it was Santa. Dad had him bent over the coffee table, screwing his brains out.  
**D** **ean** : Oh! Oh, damn! Dude... Dude, I'm sorry.  
**S** **am** : No, it's just... you know?  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, oh, I'm really sorry. I won't ever bring that up again.  
**S** **am** : Thanks.  
**D** **ean** : ...Hey, Sam?  
**S** **am** : Yeah?  
**D** **ean** : We, uh... we passed a Walmart couple towns back. I bet they sell Santa suits.  
**S** **am** : Jerk!  
**D** **ean** : What?! I said we'd do it right this time.  
  
**Episode 9: Malleus Maleficarum**  
**D** **ean** : Come on, Sammy, please?  
**S** **am** : I said no, Dean. I'm not wearing a stupid Santa suit so you can indulge your Daddy issues.  
**D** **ean** : Hey! _Our_ Daddy issues.  
**S** **am** : Whatever, I'm not doing it. Now drop it already.  
**D** **ean** : But I paid thirty bucks for this thing!  
**S** **am** : Too bad!  
  
**Episode 10: Dream a Little Dream of Me**  
**D** **ean** : What the hell is that?  
**S** **am** : Bobby's hair.  
**D** **ean** : We have to drink Bobby's hair?  
**S** **am** : That's how you control whose dream you're in. You gotta drink some of their... uh, some of their body.  
**D** **ean** : Guess hair of the dog's better than other parts of the body. Never want to go there again.  
**S** **am** : Never want to _see_ you go there again.  
**D** **ean** : Bottom's up.  
**S** **am** : (Snickers) That's what he said.  
**D** **ean** : Shut up...  
  
**Episode 11: Mystery Spot**  
**D** **ean** : Bullshit. That spot hasn't been a mystery since you turned sixteen.  
  
**Episode 12: Jus In Bello**  
**D** **ean** : What the hell was that?!  
**S** **am** : (holds up cross) We're sitting ducks in here.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, I know. On the upside...  
**S** **am** : If you say prison sex, I'll shoot you myself.  
**D** **ean** : Fine, your lose.  
**S** **am** : How many do you think are out there?  
**D** **ean** : I don't know. More than the threesome in Sacramento, less than the orgy in Bakersfield.  
**S** **am** : However many there are, they could be possessing anyone. Anyone could just walk right in.  
**D** **ean** : Now you're just ignoring me.  
  
**Episode 13: Ghost Facers**  
**E** **d** : So, guys, what do you think?  
**D** **ean** : (chuckle)  
**E** **d** : You alright?  
**D** **ean** : You know, I kind of think it was half awesome.  
**M** **aggie** : Half awesome? Tha.. that's full on good, right?  
**S** **am** : Yeah, I mean it's... it's bizarre how you all are able to, uh, to honor Corbit's memory while grossly exploiting the manner of his death.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, that's a real tight rope you guys are walking.  
**S** **am** : Yeah.  
**D** **ean** : Except you left out the best part.  
**E** **d** : What are you...?  
**H** **arry** : He's talking about the... you know.  
**E** **d** : Oh. Oh! God, no, I'm trying not to.  
**H** **arry** : Yeah, 'cause...  
**E** **d** : Exactly. 'Cause she's, you know, my sister and...  
**M** **aggie** : Hey, half sister. And I wasn't the only one getting freaky with Harry.  
**E** **d:** Wow! Okay, that's the last time I want that to ever be mentioned. Got it? I said, got it?  
**H** **arry** : Yeah, totally.  
**M** **aggie** : Whatever.  
**S** **pruce** : (mumbles) Best night of my life.  
**M** **aggie** : What was that?  
**S** **pruce** : I said... Where did those guys go?  
  
**Episode 14: Long-Distance Call**  
**D** **ean** : I mean, the only person that can get me out of this thing is me.  
**S** **am** : And me.  
**D** **ean** : And me?  
**S** **am** : What?  
**D** **ean** : Deep revelation, having a real moment here, that's what... that's what you come back with - and me?  
**S** **am** : Do you want a poem?  
**D** **ean** : Moment's gone. Unbelievable.  
**S** **am** : Hey.  
**D** **ean** : I said, moment's gone.  
**S** **am** : I know what'll cheer you up.  
**D** **ean** : Drop it, Sammy.  
**S** **am** : My tongue, your ass?  
**D** **ean** : ... Yeah, okay. It's been a while since I had a good rim job and you _better_ make it good after that snazzy comeback.  
  
**Episode 15: Time Is On My Side**  
**S** **am** : I think this might be it. I mean I... I know we've hit a lot of walls in the past, but I think this might save you.  
**D** **ean** : What's this formula?  
**S** **am** : Look, we're not in the clear yet. There's a lot things I don't understand, but...  
_(Dr. Benton jumps Sam and puts a cloth over his face)_  
**D** **ean** : Sam? Sammy! Damnit, if you are getting kidnapped _again_ , you are in big trouble, mister!  
  
**Episode 16: No Rest for the Wicked**  
**D** **ean** : I know. And those evil sons of bitches know it too. I mean, what we'll do for each other, you know, how far we'll go. They're using it against us.  
**S** **am:** So what, we just stop looking out for each other?  
**D** **ean** : No. We stop being martyrs. Man, we... we stop spreading it for those demons.  
**S** **am** : You're spreading it for demons?  
**D** **ean** : What?  
**S** **am** : I thought my ass was the secret weapon. Although, that could explain...  
**D** **ean** : No, damnit. Okay, bad analogy. But you know what I meant.


	4. Season 4

**Episode 1: Lazarus Rising**  
**S** **am** : Okay, look, we don't know what they're planning. We've got a pile of  
questions and no shovel. We need help.  
**B** **obby** : I know a psychic, few hours from here. Something this big, maybe she's  
heard the other side talking.  
**D** **ean** : Hell yeah. It's worth a shot.  
**B** **obby** : I'll be right back.  
**D** **ean** : Bobby, wait.  
**B** **obby** : What? You got a better idea?  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, well, no, just... tell her, uh, tell her we'll be there in a few days.  
**B** **obby** : A few days?  
**S** **am** : Dean, this is big, we need to get answers now.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, and I need to get _laid_ now.  
**S** **am** : Oh! Well, in that case - Bobby, tell her a week.  
**D** **ean** : Oh, I'll have you beggin' for mercy before the damn night's up.  
**S** **am** : And I'll have you begging for... _*shuts door*_  
**B** **obby** : Goddamn Winchesters.  
  
**Episode 2: Are You There God? It's Me, Dean Winchester.**  
**B** **obby** : I got stacks of lore - biblical, pre-biblical, some of it's in damn Cuniform. It all says an angel can snatch a soul from the pit.  
**D** **ean** : What else?  
**B** **obby** : What else what?  
**D** **ean** : What else could do it?  
**B** **obby** : Air lift your ass outta the hot box? As far as I can tell, nothin'.  
**S** **am** : Dean, this is good news.  
**D** **ean** : How?  
**S** **am** : Because, for once, this isn't just another round of demon crap. I mean, maybe you were saved by one of the good guys, you know?  
**D** **ean** : Okay. Say, it's true. Say, there are angels. I mean that... that totally revolutionizes the sex game.  
**S** **am** : What?  
**D** **ean** : Think about it, Sam. Castiel was like, flesh and stuff. I could _touch_ him. I bang an Angel, I rule the sex game forever.  
**S** **am** : Dean...  
**D** **ean** : No, nothing touches, "I fucked an angel."  
**S** **am** : We're talking angels of the lord swooping down from heaven to pull your ass out of hell and you're thinking about the sex game? Bobby, help me out here.  
**B** **obby** : He's your brother.  
  
  
**Episode 3: In the Beginning**  
**D** **ean** : That's not the one you want.  
**J** **ohn** : Are you following me?  
**D** **ean** : No, no, I was just passing by, I never got to thank you for that cup of coffee this morning. I was a little out of it.  
**J** **ohn** : More than a little.  
**D** **ean** : Let me repay the favor. _*eyebrow waggle*_  
**J** **ohn** : What?  
**D** **ean** : Nothing, I just thought you were gonna... I mean, I set it up for... never mind. This is the one you want.  
  
_and_  
  
**D** **eanna** : He passed your little pop quiz and now I'm inviting him for dinner. You hungry?  
**D** **ean** : Starving.  
**D** **eanna** : Good. I'm Deanna, you've met my Husband Samuel. Now wash up.  
**D** **ean** : Samuel and... Deanna?  
**M** **ary** : _*nods*_  
**D** **ean** : Really? Son a bitch was right. I am the girl.  
**M** **ary** : What?  
**D** **ean** : Nothing.  
  
  
**Episode 4: Metamorphosis**  
**S** **am** : You'll get hungry  
**T** **ravis** : For what?  
**D** **ean** : Cock.  
**T** **ravis** : What?!  
**D** **ean** : No, I'm just kidding. Human flesh.  
**S** **am** : Dean, what are you doing?  
**D** **ean** : I was just trying to soften the blow.  
**S** **am** : You know what? If you can't be serious, you can just go wait in the car.  
**D** **ean** : Excuse me?  
**S** **am** : You heard me.  
**D** **ean** : What are you, Dad now?  
**S** **am** : Don't start with me...  
**T** **ravis** : Um, I hate to interrupt, but did you say _human flesh_?  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, human flesh, long pig, sucks to be you. Anyway...  
  
**Episode 5: Monster**  
**S** **am** : Revirginate? I can't even count the number of times we had sex the first night you came back and you're telling you need some blonde floozy waitress in the back of the Impala to consider yourself devirginized?  
**D** **ean** : It's not the same. With me and you, it's...  
**S** **am** : It's 48 hours is what it was, Dean, and the only time you left the bed was to get the pizza and you didn't even bother to put pants on.  
**D** **ean** : Well...  
**S** **am** : I thought the pizza guy was gonna have a friggin' heart attack. How does 48 hours not count as devirginized?  
**D** **ean** : I already said, it's not the same.  
**S** **am** : By the time we came out, Bobby was blushing. Bobby, Dean. The man that got Dad his first tranny was blushing. Nothing virgin walked out of that room.  
  
  
**Episode 6: Yellow Fever**  
**S** **am** : Hey, Dean! I've got something for ya.  
**D** **ean** : Sam, put that away!  
**S** **am** : Come on, baby...  
**D** **ean** : No! Get away from me! You'll split me in two with that thing!  
**S** **am** : I'll be gentle.  
**D** **ean** : No, you won't!  
  
**Episode 7: It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester**  
**D** **ean** : What the hell was that?  
**S** **am** : Halloween lore - people used to wear masks to hide from him. So, I gave it a shot.  
**D** **ean** : You gave it a _shot_?  
**S** **am** : Yeah, like when you wanted to try anal that first time, only this went _much_ better.  
**D** **ean** : _*glares*_  
  
**Episode 8: Wishful Thinking**  
**W** **ess** : 'Careful what you wish for.' You know who says that? Good looking jerks like you guys. The ones who've got it so easy because you're so handsome.  
**S** **am/Dean** : Easy?  
**W** **ess** : Yeah. Women... women look at you, right? They notice you?  
**S** **am** : Believe us, we do not have it easy.  
**D** **ean** : We are miserable.  
**S** **am** : I mean, I have to fight tooth and nail just to get this asshole to bottom once a year.  
**D** **ean** : Oh, yeah? Well, I gotta put up with this emo bitch just so I can get some regular tail.  
  
**Episode 9: I Know What You Did Last Summer**  
**D** **ean** : I guess I, uh.... you know.  
**R** **uby** : What?  
**D** **ean** : I guess I owe you... for Sam. I just wanna, you know.  
**R** **uby** : Don't strain yourself.  
**D** **ean** : Okay, then. Is the moment over? Good, cause that was awkward.  
**R** **uby** : Besides, not like I did anything you wouldn't do. Which, by that way, didn't leave out a whole lot.  
**D** **ean** : ....Sam, can I shoot her yet?  
  
**Episode 10: Heaven and Hell**  
**D** **ean** : Dude.  
**S** **am** : Don't even say it, Dean.  
**D** **ean** : No, no. Just, you know, score, like, a zillion for me.  
**S** **am** : Right.  
**D** **ean** : And you? You get negative for coma girl.  
  
**Episode 11: Family Remains**  
**D** **ean** : Wait, why kill herself after the baby?  
**S** **am** : Maybe because her dad called her a dirty little whore and said he was gonna lock the baby up where nobody could ever see it?  
**D** **ean** : Why would he say that?  
_*Sam and Dean exchange several looks*_  
**D** **ean** : Oh, gross.  
**S** **am** : Pot, kettle, black, Dean.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, but I never knocked you up. Totally different.  
  
**Episode 12: Criss Angel Is A Douche Bag**  
**Dean** : Sam, we've got a problem.  
**S** **am** : What? Dean, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be meeting with that Chief dude.  
**D** **ean** : That's it, Sam, that's the problem.  
**S** **am** : I don't understand.  
**D** **ean** : It's Kripke.  
**S** **am** : Huh?  
**D** **ean** : He's trying to kill the fangirls again. I went to that address and it turns out The Chief was a leather daddy with a whip.  
**S** **am** : What?!  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, and the worst part? He asked me my safe word.  
**S** **am** : That cheap bastard. We don't use safe words.  
**D** **ean** : I know!  
**S** **am** : ... Did you ask if you could borrow the whip?  
  
**Episode 13: Afterschool Special**  
_*on watching the flashbacks*_  
**D** **ean** : I don't remember you being that short.  
**S** **am** : What does it matter?  
**D** **ean** : Well, I... I mean, I kind of feel like a pedophile now, or something.  
**S** **am** : We were only four years apart.  
**D** **ean** : Four years and like three feet.  
**S** **am** : Maybe I should start feeling bad then.  
**D** **ean** : How come?  
**S** **am** : 'Cause I'm fucking a midget.  
**D** **ean** : Sasquatch.  
  
_and_  
  
**D** **ean** : Hey, that teacher is encouraging you!  
**S** **am** : He's helping me.  
**D** **ean** : Whatever. Is that why you went to Stanford?  
**S** **am** : ...  
**D** **ean** : It is, isn't it? That was some big turning point for you - when some asshole teacher told you that being yourself was more important than family. Where are my keys?  
**S** **am** : Why?  
**D** **ean** : I'll be back in an hour.  
**S** **am** : Dean, where are you going?  
**D** **ean** : I've got an ass to kick!  
  
**Episode 14: Sex and Violence**  
**D** **ean** : You gonna say goodbye to Kara?  
**S** **am** : Nah, not interested.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, probably a good idea. Although...  
**S** **am** : What?  
**D** **ean** : You sure she's human? I mean, she did survived your magic death penis.  
**S** **am** : Would you stop calling it that? I've had sex with you and Ruby and you're both still around.  
**D** **ean** : I died and went to _hell_ , the fact that I came back is inconsequential, and Ruby is a walking corpse, so she doesn't count.  
**S** **am** : You are such a jerk.  
**D** **ean** : Bitch.  
  
**Episode 15: Death Takes a Holiday**  
_*jogger runs through them*_  
**D** **ean** : Woh! _*puts his arm inside Sam's chest*_  
**S** **am** : ...  
**D** **ean** : Am I making you uncomfortable?  
**S** **am** : Get out of me.  
**D** **ean** : ...do you want to take this one, or should I?  
**S** **am** : Oh, for the love of... go ahead, take your shot.  
**D** **ean** : Nah, it's too easy. Come on, prude.  
**S** **am** : _*mumbles*_ You're not a prude if you put out.  
  
**Episode 16: On the Head of a Pin**  
**A** **lastair** : Oh, go ahead, send me back. If you can.  
**S** **am** : I'm stronger than that now. Now I can kill.  
**S** **am** : _*kills Alistair*_  
**C** **astiel** : _*gives Sam the I-am-strangely-turned-on-by-that look*_  
**S** **am** : _*gives Castiel the up-and-down*_ Later.  
  
**Episode 17: It's a Terrible Life**  
**D** **ean** : So, what? I'm just hallucinating all this, is that it?  
**Z** **achariah** : Not at all. Real place, real haunting. Just plunked you in the middle without the benefit of your memories.  
**D** **ean** : Just to shake things up? Hm? So, you guys can have fun watching us run around like ass clowns in... in... in monkey suits? Where's Sam? I need to wash the gay off me.  
**Z** **achariah** : You intend to 'wash the gay off' by sleeping with your brother?  
**D** **ean** : Hey, I may have been making it with a dude, but I was still a man. I can taste _soy_ , you angelic bastard.  
  
**Episode 18: The Monster at the End of This Book**  
**D** **ean** : What's slash fic?  
**S** **am** : As in, Sam slash Dean. Together.  
**D** **ean** : Like, _together_ together?  
**S** **am** : Yeah.  
**D** **ean** : They do know we're brothers, right?  
**S** **am** : Doesn't seem to matter.  
**D** **ean** : Oh, come on, that... that's just sick.  
**S** **am** : Huh?  
**D** **ean** : That one has 'bottom!Dean.' There's another one. Dude, there are like ten of 'em in a row! Oh. My. God.  
**S** **am** : What?!  
**D** **ean** : Darkside!Sam.  
**S** **am** : Move over, let me see. Hey, is that what I think it is?  
**D** **ean** : Wee!cest? Those sick bastards.  
  
_and_  
  
**S** **am** : What's Carver Edlund's real name?  
**S** **era** : Oh, no, I... No, sorry, I can't do that.  
**S** **am** : We just want to talk to him. You know, get the Supernatural story in his own words.  
**S** **era** : He's very private. Just like Salenger.  
**S** **am** : Please. Listen, we are, uh... _*starts to unbutton shirt*_  
**D** **ean** : Woah there, big boy. _*to Sera*_ Sorry, he gets a little overzealous sometimes. _*to Sam*_ Look, I know she's hot and you're on that whole love 'em and leave 'em thing, and not to say I couldn't use a good threesome, but I really don't think..  
**S** **am** : Dude, I was gonna show her the _tattoo_.  
**D** **ean** : Oh, right. _*to Sera*_ haha... yeah, I was... kidding right there, about the... hey, look at this, _big_ fans!  
  
**Episode 19: Jump the Shark**  
**D** **ean** : Who's up for an incest threesome?  
**A** **dam** : What?!  
**S** **am** : Dean!  
**D** **ean** : _*tips beer*_ Welcome to the family, kid.  
**S** **am** : No, we are not... that doesn't continue if we take him with us.  
**D** **ean** : There you go, then, because we're not taking him with us.  
**Sam** : We can't leave him here, it's dangerous.  
**D** **ean** : Hey, Adam, remind me later there's a goat I need to introduce you to.  
**A** **dam** : ...  
  
**Episode 20: Rapture**  
_*how Dean really got Sam into the panic room*_  
**S** **am** : Dude, I know you're uncomfortable with the idea that Chuck Shurley could be tuning us in while we're "going at it," but don't you think Bobby's panic room is a little extreme?  
  
**Episode 21: When the Levee Breaks**  
**D** **ean** : That must have been some party you two had going, considering how hard you tried to keep me from crashing it. Well, solid try, but, here I am.  
**S** **am** : Dean, I'm glad you're here.  
**D** **ean** : Why, planning a threesome?  
**R** **uby** : ...is he serious?  
**S** **am** : What?  
**R** **uby** : About the threesome, because I could be down for that.  
**S** **am** : Oh, not you too.  
**D** **ean** : I am. If anyone'd be up for erotic asphyxiation...  
**R** **uby** : As if you'd let go.  
**D** **ean** : Can't blame a guy for trying.  
**R** **uby** : You are so hot right now.  
**S** **am** : Have I told either of you how much I hate you lately?  
  
**Episode 22: Lucifer Rising**  
**D** **ean** : Sammy, let's go.  
**S** **am** : Dean... he's coming.  
**D** **ean** : _*chuckle*_ You said he's coming.  
**S** **am** : Dude, Lucifer is rising out of the depths of I don't even know where and you're making cracks about my choice of words?  
**D** **ean** : Come on. It's the end of the season. We don't have to deal with this for another four months. Let's go out with a smile.  
**S** **am** : ...it was kind of funny.  
**D** **ean** : That's my boy. _*sigh*_ I do not envy us in September.


	5. Season 5

**Episode 1: Sympathy for the Devil**  
**Becky** : Sam.  It’s really you.  And you’re so firm.  
**Dean** : *frowns*  
**Sam** : Uh, do I know you?  
**Becky** :  No, but I know you.  You’re Sam Winchester and you’re… *looks at Dean* not what I pictured.  
**Dean** : *frowns harder*  
**Becky** : I’m Becky.  I read all about you guys and I’ve even written a few… *nervous chuckle*  
**Dean** : If she put me on bottom, I’m gonna kill her.  
**Becky** : What?  
**Sam** : Nothing.  Go ahead. 

 

**Episode 2:   Good God, Y’all**  
**Castiel** :  I killed two angels this week.  Those are my brothers.  I’m hunted.  I rebelled and I did it, all of it, for you.  And you failed.  You and your brother destroyed the world and I lost everything, for nothing.  So keep. your opinions. to yourself.  
**Dean** :  …would a blow job help?  
**Sam** : Dean!  
**Dean** : What?!  
**Sam** : Inappropriate.  
**Dean** : Oh, so when you fuck up and deep throat my cock to forgiveness, it’s fine, but I offer and suddenly it’s ‘inappropriate?  Why? Cause he’s an angel?  I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone more in need of a blow job.  
**Bobby** : Boys, not now.  *to Castiel*  You didn’t dropped in just to tear us a new hole.  What is it you want?

 

**Episode 3:  Free to Be You and Me**  
**Lucifer** :  Thanks to you, I walk the earth.  I want to give you a gift.  I want to give you everything.  
**Sam** :  I don’t want anything from you.  
**Lucifer** :  Not even Dean, naked and trussed up like a Christmas present — red bow and all — right here on this bed?  I’ll even gag him for you so he can’t talk you out of it.  
**Sam** :  …I don’t want anything else from you.

 

**Episode 4:  The End**  
**Castiel** :  Our fearless leader, I’m afraid, is all too schooled at the art of getting to the truth.  
**Dean '09** :  Torture?  Oh, so we’re torturing again?  That… that’s good.  Classy.  
**Castiel** : *chuckle*   
**Dean '14** : …  
**Castiel** :  What?  I like past you.  He gives great head.  *to Dean '09*  You don’t loosen up back there like you used to — too much tension.

 

**Episode 5:  Fallen Idols**  
**Sam** : *walks in*  
**Dean** : (on phone with Bobby) Yeah, Abraham Lincoln and James Dean.  Can you believe that?  Why so kill crazy?  Eh, maybe the apocalypse has ‘em all hot and bothered.  Yeah, well, we all know whose fault that is.  Well, I’m sorry, but it’s true.  
**Sam** : *closes door*  
**Dean** :  I’ll call you later.  Bye. *hangs up phone*  
**Sam** : …  
**Dean** :  So… that’s a no to stake-out sex, right?

 

**Episode 6: I Believe the Children are Our Future**  
**Jessie** : You shouldn’t have that.  
**Dean** :  Why not?  
**Jessie** :  It can electrocute you  
**Dean** :  Actually, it can’t.  It’s just a wind up toy, it’s totally harmless.  It doesn’t even have batteries.  
**Jessie** :  So, it can’t shock you.  
**Dean** :  Nope.  Not at all.  I swear.  
**Jessie** :  Oh.  Okay.  
**Dean** :  I mean, all it does is just shake in your hand.  It’s kind of lame.  See?  *shocks Sam*  
**Sam** :  *glare*  
**Dean** :  *smirk* What did you say your name was again?  
**Jessie** :  Jessie.  
**Dean** :  Well, Jessie, you know what they say about the size of a man’s…  
**Sam** : Dean!  No.

 

**Episode 7: The Curious Case of Dean Winchester**  
**Dean** : *digging grave*  You know this really sucks  How do we even know her spell’s gonna work.  
**Bobby** :  We don’t, but we ain’t got a plan B.  Now less flappin and more digging  
**Dean** :  Ah!  Oh god!  My elbows.  I’m all creaky.  
**Bobby** :  Hurry up, you cry baby  
**Dean** :  Pound it up your ass, Iron Side.  
**Bobby** :  Maybe we’d done it that way, you wouldn’t be whining so damn much. Now shut up and dig, grandma.

 

**Episode 8: Changing Channels**  
**Dean** :  Oh, boy.  
**Sam** :  What?  
**Dean** :  It’s him.  
**Sam** :  Who?  
**Dean** :  It’s him. Doctor Sexy.  
**Sam** : Dude, drool much?  
**Dean** : Jealousy’s an ugly thing, Sammy. 

-and-

 **Dean** :  *digging through the truck*  
**Sam** : Uh, Dean, that’s… that feels really uncomfortable  
**Dean** :  Like you’ve never been fisted.  
**Sam** :  You’ve got two hands in there up to your elbows.  That’s a little more than just fisting.  
**Dean** : *slams trunk*  
**Sam** : Owe!

 

**Episode 9: The Real Ghostbusters**  
**Announcer** :  Welcome to the first ever Supernatural convention.  At 3:45 in the Magnolia Room, we have the panel ‘Frightened Little Boy, the Secret Life of Dean’ and at 4:30, there’s the ‘Homoerotic Subtext of Supernatural’…  
**Dean** :  Subtext?  Are you kidding me?  We’re about as subtle as a dickslap to the face.  
**Sam** : Dude, not in front of the fangirls.

 

**Episode 10: Abandon All Hope…**  
**Dean** :  So, dangerous mission tomorrow.  Guess it’s time to eat drink and, you know, make merry.  
**Jo** : Are you giving me the last night on earth speech?  
**Dean** : What?  
**Jo** : What?  
**Dean** :  No.  No.  If I was, would, uh… would that work?  
**Jo** :  No.  Sweatheart, if this is our last night on earth, then I’m going to spend it with a little thing I call self respect.  
**Dean** : What’s that?  
**Jo** : …  Fine.  Impala, after lights out, and bring Sam or no deal.  
**Dean** :  *smirk*  Ignorance.  Works every time. 

 

**Episode 11: Sam, Interrupted**  
**Doctor** :  To be frank, the relationship you have with your brother seems dangerously co-dependant.  I think a little time apart might do you both good.  
**Dean** : But, I… it’s not dangerous.  Hot.  Sexy.  Damn pleasing, but it’s not dangerous.  It’s… *looks at Sam* It… *looks at the Doctor*  I’m really not helping, am I?  
**Doctor** :  Not really.  
**Dean** :  Right.  
**Sam** :  Dude, shut up.

 

**Episode 12:  Swap Meat**  
**Dean** : Adios Bitch  
**Gary** :  Ah, it’s Adinos  
**Demon** : *goes back to hell*  
**Dean** : Okay, time for the post-exorcism sex. *unbuckles belt*  
**Gary** : … What?  
**Dean** : It’s tradition.  We exercise a demon and you, or, well, Sam, anyway, gets on his knees and takes it like a man.  
**Gary** :  … No, I’ve never… I couldn’t.  
**Dean** :  Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle.  Mostly.  
**Gary** :  No, I… I can’t.  I’m not your brother.  We already talked about this.  I’m not him, so…  
**Dean** :  Yeah?  Well then maybe next time you’ll think twice before snatching someone’s body.

 

**Episode 13:   The Song Remains the Same**  
**Castiel** : Ready?  
**Sam** :  Not really.  
**Dean** : Bend your knees.  
**Sam** : Heh, that’s what she said.  
**Dean** : Really?  
**Castiel** : Boys!  Brace yourselves.

 

**Episode 14:   My Bloody Valentine**  
**Dean** : *punches Cupid* Son of a bitch! Where is he?  Where’d he go?  
**Castiel** : I believe you upset him.  
**Dean** : Upset him?  
**Sam** : Dean, enough!  
**Dean** : What?!  
**Sam** : You just punched a cupid.  
**Dean** : I punched a dick!  
**Sam** : Um, are we gonna talk about what’s been up with you lately, or not?  
**Dean** : Or not. *walks off*  
**Sam** : … *sigh* Looks like someone needs a blowjob.  
**Castiel** :  That would be most advisable.  
**Sam** : Really?  
**Castiel** : I have noticed a certain… change in personality when you’ve been coupling.  Perhaps now would be a good time for that.  
**Sam** : So, let me get this straight, I’m getting permission from Heaven to fuck my brother?  
**Castiel** : I wasn’t aware you were seeking permission, but, yes.  There are more important things at stake than your continuing incestuous affair with Dean.  
**Sam** : Duly noted.  I’ll be back in five.  *stops*  Make that thirty.

 

**Episode 15:  Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid**  
**Karen** : I know you don’t trust me.  
**Dean** : Why would you say that?  
**Karen** : Come on, Dean, that’s why you’re here, isn’t it?  Keeping an eye on me?  I know who you are.  Just like I know Bobby isn’t the same mild mannered scrap dealer I married.  
**Dean** : So you, uh, saw the videos, then?  
**Karen** : The what?  
**Dean** : Huh?  
**Karen** : You said…  
**Dean** :  No, no, I didn’t… *drinks lemonade* You were saying?  
**Karen** : …right. 

 

**Episode 16:  Dark Side of the Moon**  
**Dean/Sam** : *running from Zachariah*  
**Masked Man** : *appears out of nowhere* Sh.  Hurry, this way!  
**Sam** : *at Dean* This had so better not be one of your memories, or I am going back with Zachariah.

_-and-_

**Ash** : I heard that you were up and of course I had to go find you.  Again.  
**Dean** :  Again?  
**Ash** : This ain’t the first time you’ve been here.  I mean, you boys die more than anyone I have ever met.  Although, unlike everyone else up here, I really gotta watch out when I walk into one of your memories.  Last time I walked in on Dean…  well, that’s where I got this mask.  
**Sam** : I knew it!  
**Ash** : Don’t be too hard on him.  I mean, I’ll admit it was creepy at first, but I gotta hand it to Dean — he sure knows how to pick ‘em.  Which, by the way, thank you for that, I didn’t even know it was possible to…  
**Dean** : Shut up, Ash.  
**Ash** : And you, Sam?  *shakes his head* you are one freaky son of a bitch.  Tell ya the truth, I was more than a little relieved there wasn’t more than an angel chase going on in those woods.

 

**Episode 17:  99 Problems**  
**Sam** : Uhh.  I guess that’s what its like, huh?  
**Dean** : What?  
**Sam** : Having backup.  
**Dylan** : Dean, Sam.   
**Dean** : Yo.  
**Dylan** : Hey, so um, is… is that… is that cool if I get a ride back with you guys?  
**Dean** :  Hey, you saved my ass twice already, one more time you can ride it.

 

**Episode 18:  Point of No Return**  
**Dean** : Oh, Cas, not for nothin’, but the last time someone looked at me like that, I got laid.  
**Castiel** : I was going for disappointed and angry.  
**Dean** : Yeah, well, it came across more like you were thinking about jumping my ass.  
**Castiel** : How about this? *narrows one eye and raises his eyebrow*  
**Dean** : Well, now you just look like a deranged pirate.  
**Castiel** : Hm.

 

**Episode 19:  Hammer of the Gods**  
**Sam** : Dean, for the last time, you are not going to convince me to call your penis Ganesh.

 

**Episode 20:  The Devil You Know**  
**Crowley** :  Good news, you’re going to live forever.   
**Brady** :  What did you do?  
**Crowley** : Went over to a demon’s nest, had a little massacre. Must be losing my touch, though, let one of the little toads live.  Oops.  Also might have given said toad the impression that you left your post last night because you and I are, wait for it?  Lovers in League Against Satan.  Sam and Deanna here are the founders.  
**Dean** : Hey!

 

**Episode 21:  Two Minutes to Midnight**  
**Castiel** :  There’s also the demon blood.  
**Sam** :  What?  What are you talking about?  
**Castiel** :  To take in Lucifer would be more than you’ve ever drunk.  
**Sam** :  But… why?  
**Castiel** :  It strengthens the vessel, keeps it from exploding.  
**Sam** :  But the guy he’s in now…  
**Castiel** :  He’s drinking gallons.  
**Bobby** :  And how is that not the worst plan you ever heard.  
**Castiel** :  I had to sit through Dean’s End of the World Orgy speech last night.  
**Sam** :  Sorry, Cas, he tries that every time.  He even tried it with Jo.  Thankfully, she was a lot smarter than he gave her credit for and he woke up the next morning with a “Property of Sam” tattoo on his ass and the aftertaste of roofie in his mouth.

**Episode 22:  Swan Song**  
**Chuck Shurley** :  The Impala, of course, has all the things other cars have, and a few things they don’t, but none of that stuff’s important.  This is the stuff that’s important.  The army man that Sam crammed in the ashtray - it’s still stuck there.  The Legos that Dean shoved into the vents - to this day, heat comes on, they can hear them rattle.  The bottle of cherry flavored lube Dean hid under the seat the time their dad almost caught them fooling around — if they leave the car out in the sun for too long, the backseat smells faintly of the sickly sweet scent.


	6. Season 6

**Episode 1: Exile on Main St.**  
**D** **ean** : A Year?!  
**S** **am** : I know, but...  
**D** **ean** : Oh, no you don't know. Because you, mister? You just cock blocked yourself for all eternity.  
**S** **am** : Dean, be reasonable.  
**D** **ean** : Reasonable would have been calling me. Reasonable would have been passing the message along. Reasonable would have been some kind of warning before you show up like the damn cavalry when you were supposed. to be. dead.  
**S** **am** : Come on, there’s no way you’ll last eternity without ass, Dean.  
**D** **ean** : She a yoga instructor, Sammy, and she does anal.  
**S** **am** : …I have got some serious groveling to do, don’t I?  
**D** **ean** : You think?  
  
- _and_ -  
  
**D** **ean** ( _about Samuel_ ) Please, tell me you didn't go there.  
**S** **am** : No. By the way, he told me your dirty little secret.  
**Dean** : What secret?  
**S** **am** : You’re the girl.  
**D** **ean** : You really don’t want to get laid, like, ever, do you?  
  
  
**Episode 2: Two and a Half Men**  
**D** **ean** : * _puts baby down_ * ah.  
**S** **am** : Huh.  
**D** **ean** : What?  
**S** **am** : You… You’re just… uh… actually, not awful at that.  
**D** **ean** : Dude, I’m barely keepin’ that thing alive.  
**S** **am** : No! No, no, no, seriously you got a whole Dr. Huxtable vibe comin’ off you. I get it now.  
**D** **ean** : Get what?  
**S** **am** : The mpreg fics. You look really cute with a baby.  
**D** **ean** : You’ve been reading the fanfic?  
**S** **am** : ….maybe. No, come on, don’t look at me like that.  
**D** **ean** : You promised you weren’t going to read any more of that shit. You swore to me!  
**S** **am** : I’m sorry, okay, just… it was a whole year. And now you’re all mad at me and you won’t.  
**D** **ean** : So, this is my fault? You delving into the sordid world of Wee-cest is _my_ fault?  
**S** **am** : Hey, I never look at Wee-cest.  
**D** **ean** : Well, thank God for small favors.  
**S** **am** : Now Bottom!Dean on the other hand…  
**D** **ean** : Never, Sammy. Never. Getting. Laid.  
**S** **am** : Dean…  
**D** **ean** : Never.  
  
  
**Episode 3: The Third Man**  
**D** **ean** : Man, I’m just trying to figure this out, cause something’s different with you. You know that.  
**S** **am** : Yeah. Yeah, I know.  
**D** **ean** : Really?  
**S** **am** : Yeah. I mean, I’ve been… hunting nonstop for the past year. Kind of… kinda on the wild. So I suppose, yeah, I’m a little rough around the edges.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, I get that. I just don’t think I’m getting the whole scoop. Like, when I used to hold out, you couldn’t last a day without pouting and whining. Now it’s been a whole month and, nothing?  
**S** **am** : Oh, no. Don’t let that bother you. I’ve been sleeping with prostitutes to keep myself occupied. You know, until you’re ready.  
**D** **ean** : …  
**S** **am** : That’s not any better, is it?  
**D** **ean** : Get in the car.  
**S** **am** : Right. What if I said it was only the really pricey ones? More like escorts than hookers.  
**D** **ean** : Get. In. The car.  
  
  
**Episode 4: Weekend at Bobby’s**  
**B** **obby** : Tell me the ring is still in your stomach.  
**R** **ufus** : * _pulls out ring_ *  
**B** **obby** : I’ll go boil some water.  
**R** **ufus** : What? You’ve put your entire fist up there on a dare, but you can’t touch a damn ring? Prude.  
**B** **obby** : I heard that!  
  
  
**Episode 5: Live Free or Twi-hard**  
**D** **ean** : That’s not the worst part.  
**S** **am** : Then what is?  
**D** **ean** : You got no idea. He… I had to put on a dress and let that skuzzy blood sucker call me Bella. I had to call him Edward, and he wore glitter. I feel frickin’ dirty. I have craft Herpes.  
**Sam** : Really? Would it help if…  
**D** **ean** : So help me, if you offer to fuck me to make me feel better, I will cut your dick off while you sleep.  
**S** **am** : …  
**D** **ean** : What?  
**S** **am** : Nothing, nothing. I’ll just… back off then.  
  
  
**Episode 6: You Can’t Handle the Truth**  
**V** **eritas** : How do you really feel about your brother?  
**D** **ean** : …I want his ass. I want it so bad, especially since I stopped talking to Lisa. I had this dream the other day where I laid him open with my tongue and he was begging so pretty and I…  
**V** **eritas** : No, not that. As a hunter, what do you feel about him?  
  
  
**Episode 7: Family Matters**  
**S** **am** : What are you gonna do, keep me locked up in here forever?  
**D** **ean** : You say that like it’s a bad thing.  
**S** **am** : Okay fine, look, I get it, Dean, I was wrong, but I’m telling you I… I’m trying to get right. It’s still me.  
**D** **ean** : Is it?  
**S** **am** : Yes. So, just let me go.  
**D** **ean** : No way in hell  
**S** **am** : I didn’t want it to come to this. * _slips hands out of rope_ * You’re not gonna to hold me Dean, not here, not in a panic room, not anywhere. You can not keep me here or there, you cannot keep me anywhere. You cannot keep me, Dean, you see, you cannot keep me in a tree. You cannot...  
**C** **astiel** : * _cough_ *  
**S** **am** : What?  
**D** **ean** : * _glaring_ *  
**S** **am** : Oh. Right, sorry, I thought we were getting past the awkwardness and moving into filing it away with humorous quips so that we can drag it up later in a chick flick moment. My bad.  
  
  
**Episode 8: All Dogs go to Heaven**  
**C** **rowley** : Like that makes a difference to you. You’d sell your brother for a dollar right now if you really needed a soda.  
**S** **am** : No, I wouldn’t.  
**C** **rowley** : Really?  
**S** **am** : He’s worth more than that. I know exactly how good he is at giving head. With those lips, I could start the bidding at $500 and clean house for over a $1000. That’s way more than one soda.  
  
  
**Episode 9: Clap Your Hands if You Believe**  
**D** **ean** : I had a close encounter, Sam, and I won.  
**S** **am** : You should take a shower.  
**D** **ean** : I should take a shower. I’m gon… I’m gonna take a shower.  
**S** **am** : You should let me join you.  
**D** **ean** : * _sigh_ * Why the hell not? Yeah, okay, you should join me.  
**S** **am** : Really?  
**D** **ean** : Come on, soulless wonder, before I change my mind. And bring the lube!  
  
  
**Episode 10: Caged Heat**  
**S** **am** : * _holds out knife to Meg_ * You can see them. Take this, hold them off. It’s our best shot.  
**M** **eg** : ( _at Crowly_ ) Take it and go. You kill the smarmy dick, I’ll hold off the dogs.  
**D** **ean** : How are you gonna do that a…  
**M** **eg** : * _kisses Castiel_ *  
**C** **astiel** : * _ravishes Meg_ *  
**M** **eg** : What was that?  
**C** **astiel** : I learned that from the pizza man.  
**D** **ean** : * _to Sam_ * Dude, we get out of this alive and we have got to show him Cock Hungry Pool Man.  
**S** **am** : No, Caged Heat. There are handcuffs.  
**D** **ean** : I prefer rope. How about I meet you in the middle and we go with Dungeon Master?  
**S** **am** : Done.  
  
  
**Episode 11: Appointment in Samarra**  
**S** **am** : So is this the part where you pull a gun on me and lock me in the panic room?  
**B** **obby** : Do I have to?  
**S** **am** : Only if you’re feeling kinky.  
**B** **obby** : Smart ass.  
**S** **am** : I wasn’t joking.  
  
  
**Episode 12: Like a Virgin**  
**S** **am** : Dean.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah?  
**S** **am** : I am so, so sorry. I can’t even begin to say.  
**D** **ean** : For what?  
**S** **am** : You know what.  
**D** **ean** : Did Bobby?  
**S** **am** : Cass.  
**D** **ean** : Cass. Freakin’ child. Look, Sam, I don’t want you to beat yourself up over this, okay? Sometimes, no doesn’t mean no, especially between us.  
**S** **am** : …  
**D** **ean** : And sometimes I do like the handcuffs, okay? I just say I don’t, because then you’d hold it over me like I’m some S&M queen, which I’m not.  
**S** **am** : I was talking about letting you get turned into a vampire.  
**D** **ean** : Right.  
**S** **am** : And trying to kill Bobby.  
**D** **ean** : Got it.  
**S** **am** : And conspiring with Cass to double team you in the threesome.  
**D** **ean** : That was out of line.  
**S** **am** : He said you enjoyed it.  
**D** **ean** : Still out of line.  
**S** **am** : Uh hu. So, you _do_ like the handcuffs?  
**D** **ean** : Shut up.  
  
  
**Episode 13: Unforgiven**  
**D** **ean** : You got mysterious coordinates, from a mysterious Mr. X, leading to a mysterious town. That doesn’t throw up red flags to you?  
**S** **am** : I don’t know, maybe, but that doesn’t mean we can just ignore a bunch of missing girls. Right?  
**D** **ean** : Fine. We’ll hit the road in twenty.  
**S** **am** : Twenty?  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, I got something you need to take care of first. *undoes jeans*  
**S** **am** : Dude, worst pick up line ever.  
**D** **ean** : Is it gonna work?  
**S** **am** : Yeah.  
  
- _later_ -  
  
**S** **am** : What’s happening here right now, it’s because I messed up. Somehow, in some big way. So every person who gets taken, every person who dies — that’s on me. I have to stop it, and you’d do the same thing.  
**D** **ean** : * _throws Sam on bed_ *  
  
- _later_ -  
  
**D** **ean** : You okay?  
**S** **am** : You were right. I shouldn’t have come back here.  
**D** **ean** : Well, you did kill spiderman.  
**S** **am** : So you’re suggesting what I did back there was a good thing?  
**D** **ean** : I’m just saying…  
**S** **am** : What?  
**D** **ean** : Sammy, you gotta understand…  
**S** **am** : Wait. Dean, are you _hard_?  
**D** **ean** : No! Well, yeah, but…  
**S** **am** : Oh my god, you’ve been jumping me every time I get emotional!  
**D** **ean** : Hey, not every time.  
**S** **am** : You dragged me into the bathroom of the diner when I got annoyed they put mustard on my sandwich.  
**D** **ean** : Right. I’ll just… go take a cold shower, then.  
  
  
**Episode 14: Mannequin 3 - The Reckoning**  
**D** **ean** : So, uh, what did you find out from the mop jockey’s girlfriend?  
**S** **am** : Nothing, just how great he was. Went to church, donated to charity, rubbed her feet during Glee.  
**D** **ean** : I just threw up in my mouth.  
**S** **am** : Right, because you don’t love it when I rubbed your feet.  
**D** **ean** : I don’t watch Glee.  
**S** **am** : But crying over Oprah is so masculine.  
**D** **ean** : Bitch.  
  
  
**Episode 15: The French Mistake**  
**S** **am** : All right, here goes. It says you’re from Texas.  
**D** **ean** : Really?  
**S** **am** : Yeah. And uh… oo.  
**D** **ean** : What?  
**S** **am** : Huh? Oh, um, nothing.  
**D** **ean** : Didn’t sound like nothing.  
**S** **am** : Well, it’s just… apparently there’s something called RPS.  
**D** **ean** : RPS?  
**S** **am** : Yeah, Real Person Story. You know, like the fanfic we ran into before, only with real people.  
**D** **ean** : …Are you telling me that even in this universe, people think we’re fucking?  
**S** **am** : Be fair, Dean, we _are_ fucking.  
**D** **ean** : No, you know what? It’s the principle of the thing. Who I fuck is my business.  
**S** **am** : And apparently the business of thousand of horny young girls and boys who seem to think you do a lot bottoming. Oh, and you were on a soap opera.  
**D** **ean** : I hate this universe.  
  
- _and_ -  
  
**G** **enevieve** : You have been Sam Winchester way too long. * _takes Sam’s hand to lead him upstairs_ *  
**S** **am** : Oh, wait, hold on. I wanna get De…, um, Jensen. There’s this thing I read. I wanna try it.  
**G** **enevieve** : Read where?  
**S** **am** : Fanfic. There’s this one where we all have a threesome and he’d never go for that before because you’re all evil and, well, dead now, but you’re not, because you Gen.  
**G** **enevieve** : How much did you drink?  
**S** **am** : A lot.  
**G** **enevieve:** … Fine, go get him. Wouldn’t be the first time.  
  
**Episode 16: And Then There Were None**  
( _Rufus getting out car_ )  
**R** **ufus** : I don’t even know why you have a driver’s license.  
**B** **obby** : Yeah? Well, maybe next time I’ll give you road head and we’ll see how you drive.  
**R** **ufus** : It’s courtesy, Bobby. A man had his mouth around your dick, you try not to jam his head into the steering wheel every time you hang a left.  
**B** **obby** : I didn’t ask you to give me head!  
**D** **ean** : * _to Sam_ * Dude, it’s like looking at ourselves in thirty years.  
**B** **obby** : I heard that!  
  
**Episode 17: My Heart Will Go On**  
**B** **althazar** : Yes, unfortunately, there is still an Ashton Kutcher and you still averted the apocalypse, and there are still Arc Angels. It’s just the small details that are different — like, you don’t drive an Impala  
( _Sam and Dean exchange glance_ )  
**B** **althazar** : Yes, yes, what’s an Impala, trust me, it’s not important. And... and, of course, you and Sam are no longer in a sordid incestuous relationship and Ellen and Jo are alive.  
**D** **ean** : Ellen and Jo, what?  
**S** **am** : Incestuous relationship?  
**D** **ean** : Sam, prior… wait, incestuous relationship?  
**B** **althazar** : Yes, they’re supposed to be dead and the two of you are supposed to be humping like rabbits every other hour or something ridiculous like that. You see, I save a boat, one thing leads to another, which leads to another thousand things and yada yada yada, to cut a long story short they don’t die in a massive explosion.  
**S** **am** : That doesn’t explain the incest.  
**B** **althazar** : Yes, well, that’s a bit more complicated, but let’s just agree, I did a good thing.  
  
- _later_ -  
  
**D** **ean** : We are not sinking the boat, Bobby, okay? Don’t even think about it.  
**B** **obby** : Well, okay, what’s got your panties in a clench?  
**D** **ean** : …nothing.  
**B** **obby** : Try that again?  
**D** **ean** : It… look, it… it doesn’t even really matter, but…  
**Bobby** : But?  
**D** **ean** : Ellen…  
**S** **am** : Dean and I are having sex.  
**B** **obby** : What?!  
**D** **ean** : No! No, Bobby, we’re not having sex.  
**S** **am** : No, not now, but if the boat sinks. If the boat sink something happens, dominos get knocked over and somehow I end up pile driving my brother.  
**D** **ean** : Hey, who says you’re on top.  
**S** **am** : My two inches and your girly lips?  
**D** **ean** : If you were gay, you’d have pink toenails to match your favorite shirt.  
**S** **am** : Oh, yeah, well if you were gay, you’d…  
**B** **obby** : Boys! I get it, just don’t let that boat sink. I’m already wading ass deep in your personal shit without adding incest to it. * _hangs up_ *  
**D** **ean** : Dude, what the hell?!  
**S** **am** : I don’t know! It seemed like a better idea than telling him Ellen and Jo would die.  
**D** **ean** : You’re probably right. He’s bad enough with her, imagine if she wasn’t there.  
  
**Episode 18: Frontier Land**  
**S** **am** : Just because you’re obsessed with all that wild west stuff…  
**D** **ean** : No, I’m not.  
**S** **am** : You have a fetish, Dean!  
**D** **ean** : Shut up, I like old movies.  
**S** **am** : Your birthday sex includes me wearing a saddle while you strut around in spurs and chaps and I try to pretend you aren’t talking to me like I’m horse because bestiality is an entire other level of wrong I don’t even want to get into. I am not putting on leather riders; I am not wearing skin tight jeans that ride up my ass; and if there is a cowhide jacket in there with fringe, you can forget that too. It isn’t your birthday. I’m not putting it on.  
**D** **ean** : … At least wear the damn shirt.  
  
**Episode 19: Mommy Dearest**  
**D** **ean** : Why. What does she want with a… what do you call these?  
**B** **obby** : Well, congrats, you discovered it, you get to name it.  
**D** **ean** : Sammy’s G-spot.  
**S** **am /Bobby** : No!  
**D** **ean** : Fine! Jefferson Starships.  
  
  
**Episode 20: The Man Who Would Be King**  
**C** **rowley** : Ah yes, but is that all you’re holding? See, the stench of the Impala is all over your overcoat, Angel.  
**C** **astiel** : That’s not the Impala, it’s Dean’s semen and I’m not sure I understand what you’re implying.  
**C** **rowley** : …subtlety is lost on you.  
  
  
**Episode 21: Let It Bleed**  
**S** **am** : Wh… HP Lovecraft?! Let me see that.  
**D** **ean** : Am I supposed to know who that is?  
**B** **obby** : Horror writer? At the Mountains of Madness? The Call of Cthulhu?  
**D** **ean** : Yeah. S… I’m… No, I was too busy having sex with women.  
**B** **obby** : Well, we all know that ain’t true.  
**S** **am** : Yeah, you spent half the damn time in my pants,  
**D** **ean** : Right, so, women.  
**S** **am** : Jerk.  
  
  
  
**Episode 22: The Man Who Knew Too Much**  
**S** **am** : I’ll be fine.  
**R** **obin** : Says the headcase that just slumped over a minute ago. Look, is there anyway I can convince you to go to the hospital?  
**S** **am** : No, apparently I’m stubborn.  
**R** **obin** : What if I showed you my boobs?  
**S** **am** : … and gay.  
  
- _and_ -  
  
**D** **ean** : So, when you said “bow down and profess your love” are you talking blow jobs?  
**C** **astiel** : No. Do you have any 8’s?  
**D** **ean** : Nope, go fish. So, what then?  
**C** **astiel** : Well, it depends. From Bobby, I’ll accept fealty and maybe have him kiss my ring.  
**B** **obby** : Appreciate that.  
**C** **astiel** : From you and Sam I was hoping for more of an apology. And a repeat of the threesome.  
**S** **am** : Can’t blame him. That was a good threesome.  
**D** **ean** : Hey, I thought you didn’t remember anything.  
**S** **am** : Oh, right, no, I remember everything now. Cas, you got any 4’s?  
**C** **astiel** : * _passes a card_ *  
**D** **ean** : And?  
**S** **am** : And nothing, it’s summer break, I don’t have to deal with that shit till fall it’s gonna stay that way. I am not spending the next three months reliving how many ways Lucifer and Michael made me their bitch.  
**B** **obby** : Is this what it’s always like being in the cliff hanger after a Season Finale?  
**D** **ean** : Pretty much.  
**Sam** : Yeah, what’s it like for you?  
**B** **obby** : I kick back, drink beer and watch reruns of True Blood.  
**C** **astiel** : Bobby is wise. Your new god decrees that next year, we will end the season somewhere with a television and a couch.  
**B** **obby** : And beer.  
**C** **astiel** : Yes, and beer.  
**D** **ean** : I will bow down to that. Bobby, you got a 7?  
**B** **obby** : Go fish.


	7. Season 7

**Episode One: Meet the New Boss  
Guard**: Hey!  
**Dean** : Excuse me, have you got a double-headed, black latex dildo? *hits guard on the head*  
**Sam** : A doubled-head, black latex dildo? Seriously?  
**Dean** : Yeah, well, I was gonna ask for Grey Poupon, but that sounded too cliché.  
  
  
**Episode Two: Hello Cruel World  
Dean**: You wanna do couples yoga, or you wanna get back to hunting the big bad.  
**Bobby** : …  
**Dean** : Bobby?  
**Bobby** : I’m thinkin’ about it.  
  
  
**Episode 3: The Girl Next Door  
Dean**: And Sam?  
**Sam** : Yeah?  
**Dean** : Pie.  
**Sam** : Right, of course  
**Dean** : …and lube! Cherry flavored, none of that strawberry crap!  
  
  
**Episode 4: Defending Your Life  
Sam**: Wait, so I have to convince Dean he’s not guilty of… anything?  
**Osiris** : Afraid so.  
**Sam** : Okay, just… this could take a while. So, Dean remember our first kiss?  
**Dean** : You were like fourteen. Never should have touched you.  
**Sam** : And how much alcohol did I shove down your throat?  
**Dean** : Yeah, but…  
**Sam** : How about the first time we kissed sober, you remember that?  
**Dean** : Right after your eighth grade dance, I can’t believe I…  
**Sam** : Who kissed who?  
**Dean** : Well, okay, you sucker punched me, threw me against a wall and violated my mouth with your tongue, so, strictly speaking, you might not even be able to call it a kiss.  
**Sam** : Right, first hand job.  
_*3 hours later*  
_**Sam** : Okay, now, Jim’s goat.  
**Osiris** : Oh, fine, I give up, he can go.  
  
  
**Episode 5: Shut Up, Dr. Phil  
Sam**: Yeah. Okay.  
**Dean** : No, don’t yeah, okay, like “Yeah. Okay.”  
**Sam** : *walking to shower* Yeah. Okay.  
**Dean** : *annoyed* Hey, mind if I join you in there?  
**Sam** : …Yeah. Okay.  
  
  
**Episode 6: Slash Fiction  
DoppleSam**: You know, I had a brother with this many issues once.  
**DoppleDean** : Yeah?  
**DoopleSam** : Know what I did? I ate him.  
**DoppleDean** : Of course you did.  
**DoppleSam** : I sure as hell didn’t have sex with him. God, if I have to sit through another dream of you riding my ass, I’m gonna need more than one bank vault full of average Joes to make myself feel clean again.  
**DoppleDean** : You think that’s bad? He talks a big game, but short and mopey here dreams about taking you on dates. I had one the other day that involved flowers and candles on a cliff face overlooking Vegas. It’s like a damn romance novel in here.  
  
  
**Episode 7: The Mentalists  
Museum Guide**: I’m sorry, I don’t normally do this during business hours. But do you know an Eleanor or an Ellen? She seems quite concerned about you. She wants to tell you, pardon me, if you don’t tell someone how bad it really is she’ll kick your ass from beyond. You have to trust someone again eventually. Oh, and just between me and you, anytime I get in a fight with my ‘brother’ I find that forgiveness usually lies in the back of my throat. A good blowjob makes everything better. Just something to think about.  
  
  
**Episode 8: Season Seven, Time for a Wedding  
Sam**: Dean, what are you doing? I’m with Becky now!  
**Dean** : No, you’re not.  
**Sam** : Yes, I am. Dean, let me go! I love her!  
**Dean** : No, because we’re gonna go back to our room and I’m going to fuck the gay back into you.  
_*several hours later*  
_**Dean** : *panting* Better?  
**Sam** : Oh, yeah, much better. Thank god, that could have… man, that could have gotten _way_ out of hand.  
  
  
**Episode 9: How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters  
Sam**: Okay, so whatever turned Gary Browder into a pumpkin head… and is currently turning Dean into an idiot…  
**Dean** : I’m right here. Right here.  
**Bobby** : Is in the Terducken double slammer at Biggerson’s. It’s in the meat.  
**Dean** : If I wasn’t so chilled out right now, I would puke.  
*nodding all around*  
**Dean** : Although, do you think maybe we could… I don’t know, use it as lube?  
**Sam** : That’s disgusting, Dean!  
**Dean** : What?! Bobby’s the asshole said we couldn’t afford luxury items. It’s your ass, Sammy, I’m just trying to be helpful.  
  
  
**Episode 10: Death’s Door  
** *This episode’s funnies are canceled out of respect for Bobby Singer.*  
**Sam** : Does this mean we can splurge on lube now?  
**Dean** : Respect, dude, she said they were canceled.  
  
  
**Episode 11: Adventures in Babysitting  
Dean**: Revenge crap. All right, now shut up. Eat a cookie, or something. And stay out of the glove box.  
**Krissy** : Too late. I got bored while you were in the gas n’ guzzle.  
**Dean** : That was private!  
**Krissy** : What? Your latest issue of O, or those pictures of your brother?  
**Dean** : …  
**Krissy** : I’m guessing it’s the O, Mr. ‘Awesome.’ And I’m keeping the pictures of Sam. You don’t even want to know what my dad’ll do to you if you try to reach where I put them. *puts on headphones*  
**Dean** : God, I hate kids.  
  
  
**Episode 12: Time After Time  
Sam**: I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I hope you’re watching cartoon smut because reading Dick Roman crap over and over again is just… self punishment.  
**Dean** : No, what you do to yourself in the shower, that’s self punishment. I mean, who the hell cries after masturbating?  
**Sam** : Dude, that was once, right after Jess died. It’s been seven years, you think maybe you could let it go?  
**Dean** : You gonna let go of the one time you caught me wanking to Sailor Moon back in highschool?  
**Sam** : Fair enough.  
  
  
**Episode 13: The Slice Girls  
Dean**: Of course not, Sam. What do you think, I’m brain dead? Accidents happen. If one even did, which I… I… I don’t even think. No, you know what? Stop, we’re not gonna talk about this anymore, because my skin’s starting to crawl.  
**Sam** : Alright, fine, but if it’s true, if it happened…  
**Dean** : I know. Hang on to my hands and feet.  
**Sam** : Well, sure, that too, but… it also means I can call you daddy during sex.  
**Dean** : Don’t you dare.  
**Sam** : No, seriously, like legitimately and not just to piss you off. So, tell me, Daddy, have I been a good boy or have I been really, really bad.  
  
  
**Episode 14: Plucky Pennywhistle’s Magical Menagerie  
Dean**: This isn’t about your clown thing, is it?  
**Sam** : What?! No.  
**Dean** : Sammy?  
**Sam** : No.  
**Dean** : What in the world did they do to you?  
**Sam** : …  
**Dean** : Sam, did a clown do something… inappropriate?  
**Sam** : Dean…  
**Dean** : Come on, Sammy, show me on the doll where the bad clown touched you.  
  
  
**Episode 15: Repo Man  
Lucifer**: That’s what I’m talking about, Sam, real interaction again. I miss that. The rapier wit. The wittier rape.   I’ll be good. I’ll even help you solve your little Nancy Drew mystery or whatever. Give you a handie on those cold, lonely nights. Scrub those hard to reach places in the shower. Heck, I’ll show you how to do things to Dean that’ll make him call out _my_ name. Come on, Sam. **  
  
  
Episode 16: Out With the Old  
Dean**: Hey, got the porn. Just in time, too.  
**Sam** : What was he doing?  
**Dean** : Uh, like you said, you don’t want to know. Let’s just say there was a little more than a fist involved.  
  
  
**Episode 17: The Born-Again Identity  
** *in the mental ward*  
**Sam** : I’m just saying…  
**Dean** : What? That you don’t want my help?  
**Sam** : No, I’m saying… Lucifer is making bunny ears behind you.  
**Dean** : Really?  
**Sam** : Now he’s… he’s uh, he’s humping you… from behind… yeah, okay. Actually, you know what, don’t stand there with your mouth open, he’s… never mind, just, you need to go.  
  
  
**Episode 18: Party on Garth  
Dean**: You have a CEO of the doochiest microbrew in the US gagged in your hottube? You really think that’s gonna end well?  
**Garth** : That all depends on how I play my cards. Am I right, boys?  
**Dean/Sam** : …  
  
  
**Episode 19: Of Grave Importance?  
Dean**: That’s a lot of foxholes. Hey, when, uh, we catch up with her, you want to give her the Winchester special?  
**Sam** : I didn’t have a soul at the time, Dean. …and, yeah, okay.  
  
_-and-_  
  
**Sam** : I mean, do you think we could… I dunno, make it all work, somehow?  
**Dean** : I have no idea. Maybe? I’ve never heard of it. But you know what I do know? Tonight, we are going to set this flask on the bed side table and I’m gonna do every dirty, nasty, downright romantic thing Bobby ever said he didn’t want to see.  
**Sam** : You don’t mean…  
**Dean** : That’s right. I’m breaking out the Snuggly Bunny.  
**Bobby** : Balls.  
  
  
**Episode 20: Girl with the Dungeons and Dragons Tattoo  
Dean**: She’s kind of like the little sister I never wanted.  
**Sam** : Huh. Too bad she’s a lesbian.  
**Dean** : Hey, just because _we_ … no, never mind. You’re right. Too bad.  
  
  
**Episode 21: Reading is Fundamental  
Kevin**: This is all too much. What’s happened to my life?! I’m just a kid from Michigan, I didn’t want to be a word keeper!  
**Dean** : Looks like we’re brown baggin’  
**Kevin** : I’m not prepared to factor the Supernatural into my world…  
**Dean** : Okay, here we go. That’s it, that’s it. Just breathe. Take it easy. If you want, I could get Sam. To be honest, I may have the pretty lips, but he can give a blow job that’ll make you see God. There is no end to that throat.  
**Kevin** : *stares*  
**Dean** : See? And now you can breathe again. Always get ‘em with the element of surprise. Uh, man, what can I say? You’ve been chosen.  
  
  
**Episode 22: There Will Be Blood  
Dean**: What’s Sucrocorp?  
**Sam** : They make food additives. Namely, high fructose corn syrup. Well, that crap is in… well, it’s in just about everything – soda, sauces, bread…  
**Dean** : Don’t say pie.  
**Sam** : Definitely pie.  
**Dean** : What about that cherry flavored lube we use all the time?  
**Sam** : Well… okay, I’m not sure about that, but… um, maybe?  
**Dean** : Bastards.  
  
  
**Episode 23: Survival of the Fittest  
Castiel**: If we attack Dick and fail, then you and Sam die heroically, correct?  
**Dean** : I don’t know, I guess.  
**Castiel** : And at best, I die trying to fix my own stupid mistake or I don’t die and get brought back again. I see now it’s a punishment resurrection, it gets worse every time.  
**Dean** : I’m sorry, but this sounds a lot like my End of the World Orgy speech. The one you shot down like two years ago.  
**Castiel** : It is. Obviously, adjustments were made to fit the specific situation we now find ourselves in. Is it working?  
**Dean** : Are you gonna fight Dick with us?  
**Castiel** : I was considering it.  
**Dean** : Heh, let’s go find Sam.  
**Castiel** : Do you mind if Meg joins us? I’ve come to enjoy her company.  
**Dean** : It’s not an orgy unless we have at least four, so as long as I don’t have to dip my stick in the demon pool, why the hell not.  
**Castiel** : You have my word.


	8. Season 8

**Episode 1: We Need To Talk About Kevin**  
**S** **am** : Dude, it’s a burger. You didn’t look that happy when I was sucking your dick last night.  
**D** **ean** : Burger didn’t piss me off by abandoning my ass for a year.  
**S** **am** : But…  
**D** **ean** : Again. Gonna take a hell of a lot more than one blow job, Sammy.  
**S** **am** : Well, yeah, but last time I didn’t have a soul. So, you know, that doesn’t even really count.  
**D** **ean** : Not helping.

 

 **Episode 2: What’s Up, Tiger Mommy**  
**M** **s. Tran** : No, but my brother who happens to work for the Wyoming tax assessor’s office could arrange that, if he thought something untoward was happening here. So, what’s it going be - the tablet, or that piece of euro-trash crap you call a car?  
**D** **ean** : Dude, I’m really kind of turned on right now.  
**S** **am** : Not now, Dean, that’s Kevin’s mom.  
**D** **ean** : What, you’re saying you _wouldn’t_ hit that?  
**S** **am** : …No, but I am saying that while I’m really eager to make the last year up to you, Kevin is the prophet and I don’t think having a threesome with his mom is going to win us any favors.  
**D** **ean** : Killjoy.  
**K** **evin** : What are you guys whispering about over there?  
**D** **ean/Sam** : Nothing!

 

 **Episode 3: Heartache**  
**D** **ean** : Maybe she moved into Brick’s room after he died? *looks at bed* Or?  
**S** **am** : *looks at bed* Oh. Thanks, Dean, now that image is permanently etched into my retinas.  
**D** **ean** : Hey, I guess now you know how Bobby felt when he walked in on Dad giving me a handie that one time, huh?  
**S** **am** : *shudder* You know, now that I think about it, we haven’t run into sex pollen since Dad died.  
**D** **ean** : You don’t think…?  
**S** **am** : No.  
**D** **ean** : Nah.  
**S** **am** : No, he wouldn’t.  
**D** **ean** : Suddenly, I feel very violated.

 

 **Episode 4: Bitten**  
**D** **ean** : *reaching for laptop*  
**S** **am** : Stop!  
**D** **ean** : What?  
**S** **am** : That is a college kid’s laptop. Do you know what kind of sick shit college kids are downloading nowadays? That’s, like, going through Dad’s porn stash. You don’t know what’s in there and you probably don’t want to.  
**D** **ean** : But there are dead bodies and the note says…  
**S** **am** : Right, because anonymous videos with the words ‘play me’ on them left at crime scenes are always completely innocuous.  
**D** **ean** : …  
**S** **am** : You’re trying not to ask what the word innocuous means, aren’t you? Come on, genius, we’re getting you out of here before you see something that puts you off masturbation for a week.  
**D** **ean** : I am one crabby S.O.B if I don’t rub one out in the morning.

 

 **Episode 5: Blood Brother**  
**D** **ean** : Listen to me you undead blood junky. I’m the one with the mojo, I’m the one with the plan. Cas, we’re gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.  
**B** **enny** : Obviously, I’m less than comfortable with that.  
**D** **ean** : Well, I was less than comfortable with what we all did last night, but that still happened.

 

 **Episode 6: Southern Comfort**  
**D** **ean** : You wanna be Bobby, Garth? Let’s tango. Sam, get out here.  
**S** **am** : What?  
**D** **ean** : Garth _really_ wants to be Bobby.  
**S** **am** : But he can’t possibly know…  
**D** **ean** : Let’s give him a crash course. How about we start with why you didn’t bring the lube with you when I called after I got back from purgatory?  
**S** **am** : Why did I…? Dude, I was just excited that you were alive, I wasn’t thinking about that.  
**D** **ean** : Why the hell not? I call and say I’m back and you don’t think I might want to tap that for the first time in a year?  
**S** **am** : What, didn’t get enough with Benny?  
**D** **ean** : Oh, don’t you bring Benny into this, because, you know what, Sammy? I was Benny’s good little bottom boy down in purgatory.  
**S** **am** : You what?!  
**G** **arth** : Boys, boys, you don’t have to do this. I saw the old security footage Bobby had from his scarp yard. I know all about you two.  
**D** **ean** : Oh, no, we’re not done. You are going to listen to this and then you’re gonna yell at us until we get our heads out of our asses, because that is what Bobby would have done and you want to be Bobby.  
**G** **arth** : …Balls.

 

 **Episode 7: A Little Slice of Kevin**  
**N** **aomi** : Tell me about Sam and Dean.  
**C** **astiel** : The prophet is kept safe. The tablet is split in two and the Winchesters are trying to recover the missing piece. Sam is missing his girlfriend and Dean is understandably upset after being abandoned for a year in purgatory, although, I believe most of his hostility is left over from the stress of day to day life in a sea of monsters. He did allow Sam to top the other day, however, after an argument regarding the vampire Benny upset Sam enough that Dean said he was, and I quote, ‘being a little bitch about it.’ Why am I telling you any of this?

 

 **Episode 8t: Hunteri Heroici**  
**D** **ean** : You know, of all the cartoons he could have been watching, I suppose we lucked out.  
**S** **am** : How do you figure?  
**D** **ean** : You ever see La Blue Girl, Sammy?  
**S** **am** : La what?  
**D** **ean** : La Blue Girl. It’s anime, with tentacles.  
**S** **am** : Tentacles?  
*thirty minutes later*  
**S** **am** : Seriously lucked out.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah. ‘Nother beer?

 

 **Episode 9: Citizen Fang**  
**M** **artin** : What could a Winchester possibly owe a vampire?  
**D** **ean** : Couple blowjobs.  
**M** **artin** : What?  
**D** **ean** : Nothing.

 

 **Episode 10: Torn and Frayed**  
**D** **ean** : I’m gonna need exact words.  
**H** **inkley** : Are you serious?  
**C** **astiel** : That’s his ‘serious face’, yes. And that’s his ‘I can’t believe you just said that’ face. That’s his ‘bitch’ face – it is not nearly as effective as Sam’s. That one is either ‘I’m going to pound your face in’ or ‘I’m going to pound you’ – I get those confused. Sam would be able to tell. Benny, too, but they’re not here.

 

 **Episode 11: LARP and the Real Girl**  
**S** **am** : Lucky for us, we know the queen.  
**D** **ean** : You’re the queen.  
**S** **am** : Really, Dean?  
**D** **ean** : Eh, it’s been forever since you left me an opening that large.

_-and-_

**S** **am** : And you’re right. Having fun won’t help me. It’ll help both of us.  
**D** **ean** : Does that mean what I think it does?  
**S** **am** : I’m not wearing the dress, but I wouldn’t say no to a tunic.  
**D** **ean** : What if, uh… what if I wear the dress?  
**S** **am** : Are you serious?  
**D** **ean** : Consider it an apology for the dick move with the text from Amelia.  
**S** **am** : Best brother ever.  
**D** **ean** : Damn right. Now let’s go see about borrowing the Queen’s tent.

 

 **Episode 12: As Time Goes By**  
**H** **enry** : I didn’t know my son as a man, but having met you two, I know I would have been proud of him. *dies*  
**D** **ean** : Oh, man, we really dodged a bullet with that one.  
**S** **am** : I know, god, I so thought he had us made, especially when you ‘accidentally’ walked in on me in the shower with a camera last night. What was that, anyway?  
**D** **ean** : Just adding it to the spank bank, Sammy. At least the man died not knowing his family line had come down to incestuous, cross-country shenanigans.

 

 **Episode 13: Everybody Hates Hitler**  
**D** **ean** : I told you I was being followed. He was my gay thing.  
**S** **am** : I hate to break it to you, Dean, but you have a lot of gay things.  
**A** **aron** : Really? He seemed uncomfortable with it.  
**S** **am** : Well, his normal ‘gay thing’ is his brother, a vampire, and an angel, so, you know.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, I’ve got standards.  
**S** **am** : No, you have kinks. There’s a difference.

 

 **Episode 14: Trial and Error**  
**D** **ean** : And it’s clean too, no funky smells, there’s no creepy stains, oh, and I ordered a poster sized copy of that picture I took of you the other day when you were in the shower. Don’t worry, I’ll put it behind the desk, so mom can’t see.  
**S** **am** : Right, because that makes it a lot less creepy.

 

 **Episode 15: Man’s Best Friend with Benefits**  
**D** **ean** : Man, you know that we have never actually seen this witch killing spell of Bobby’s actually work, right? I mean, this is not a sure thing.  
**S** **am** : Is anything we ever do a sure thing?  
**D** **ean** : Your ass comes to mind. But other than that, no.

 

 **Episode 16: Remember the Titans**  
**D** **ean** : Alright, so the way we usually handle this is we summon the bastard and we work him over until he undoes whatever it is he did.  
**H** **aley** : Summon… Zues?  
**D** **ean** : Yes.  
**H** **aley** : And if he doesn’t want to undo it?  
**S** **am** : Then we offer him Dean’s ass in trade. Don’t worry, they usually don’t take him up on it and if they do, well, Dean doesn’t really mind.  
**D** **ean** : It’s true, I’ll put it anywhere.  
**Sam** : And if that doesn’t work, we take him out.

 

 **Episode 17: Goodbye Stranger**  
**M** **eg** : Here’s what I remember. Deep down in parts you never let see the light of day, you want to live a long normal life away from creepy old things like me.  
**S** **am** : That’s not _all_ I want.  
**M** **eg** : No, you also want to lock your brother up, keep him nice and safe, take him out and play with him every time you get the itch, which, by the way, is a lot creepier than me getting close and personal with your noodle.  
**S** **am** : Well, when you say it like that, it is.

 

 **Episode 18: Freaks and Geeks**  
**Krissy** : What’s going on here?  
**D** **ean** : Damnit. What’s going on here is that I left my brother alone for a few hours and he got himself tied up. Again. Oh let me guess, he knocked you out, too?  
**S** **am** : …Yeah.  
**D** **ean** : This is why you’re the bottom, Sam.  
**K** **rissy** : _He’s_ the bottom?  
**D** **ean** : Don’t you start with me.

 

 **Episode 19: Taxi Driver**  
**S** **am** : He’s a buddy of Dean’s, Bobby.  
**B** **obby** : A buddy?  
**B** **enny** : A _good_ buddy.  
**B** **obby** : *looks at Sam*  
**S** **am** : A, uh… A _really_ good buddy.  
**B** **obby** : With a friggin’ vampire?! What is wrong with you boys?  
**S** **am** : Come on, Bobby, look around. It’s purgatory. Not a lot of options.  
**B** **enny** : Oh, flattery’ll get you everywhere, Sammy.

 

 **Episode 20: Pac-Man Fever**  
**S** **am** : Do you think she knows about the fanfic?  
**D** **ean** : I don’t know, maybe. Probably.  
**S** **am** : Should we ask?  
**D** **ean** : God, no. If she doesn’t, I don’t want to direct her to it and if she does… I just don’t want to know what ship she is.  
**C** **harlie** : *from the next room* Destiel, all the way!  
**D** **ean** : Son of a bitch!

 

 **Episode 21: The Great Escapist**  
**C** **rowley** : Your slang – ‘Special K’ ‘Nose to the God Stone’ – that’s the way Dean speaks. Sam is more basic, more sincere. And you, fake!Dean, try grabbing your fake brother’s arse once in a while. Take him in the backroom, make it loud, make it believable. Ask the little bugger to join you.  
**F** **ake!Dean** : What if he, you know, agrees?  
**C** **rowley** : Then let him. The brothers Winchester aren’t exactly known for being choosy and you’re demons. A little sodomy’ll do you good.

 

 **Episode 22: Clip Show**  
**D** **ean** : You can take that apology and shove it up your ass.  
**C** **astiel** : By apology, do you mean your penis?  
**D** **ean** : No. Damnit, no. This is not a sex thing. Why does everyone always think it’s a sex thing?  
**S** **am** : Because with you, it usually is.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, okay, but not this time.

 

 **Episode 23: Sacrifice**  
**C** **rowley** : You saddled yourself to the wrong bull, mate. Either you let me go, or I will whip it out and start playing Divnyls the entire drive to… Well, wherever it is you intend to take me.  
**D** **ean** : Divi-what? Sam, little help here?  
**S** **am** : It means he’s gonna masturbate. While you’re handcuffed to him. In the Impala.  
**D** **ean** : …  
**S** **am** : You can’t let Crowley go just because he wants to touch himself, Dean.  
**D** **ean** : Yeah, but I can think about it.  
**C** **rowley** : I’ll rub it into the leather.


	9. Season 9

**Episode 1: I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here  
Dean**: So, while you’re healing my brother, can you feel and see everything?  
**Gadreel** : Yes.  
**Dean** : Can you turn that off?  
**Gadreel** : Yes, but why would you want me to?  
**Dean** : Well, me and Sam, we have a history and while I’m not above a little angel play, what we do in private is, um, well it’s private.  
**Gadreel** : You’re speaking of the sweet nothings you whisper into his ear when no one else is around? I do have access to Sam’s memories.  
**Dean** : Oh, okay, well, we’re just not gonna talk about this, then.  
**Gadreel** : I find it somewhat… beautiful, the way you could drown in his eyes. The way his heated expressions before your coupling melts your heart. How his strong hands…  
**Dean** : Now you just stop right there, I have a reputation.  
  
  
**Episode 2: Devil May Care  
Crowley**: Torture? Brilliant. Can’t wait to see Sam in stilettos and a bustier. Really putting the S A M into S and M.  
**Dean** : Actually…  
**Sam** : No, Dean, I’m not wearing heels.  
**Dean** : But you’re open to the rest?  
**Sam** : Not for Crowley.  
**Dean** : I wasn’t talking about Crowley.  
**Sam** : I guess I do kind of owe you for wearing the peasant dress, don’t I?  
**Dean** : You bet your sweet ass you do.  
**Crowley** : I take it back, this might actually work. I may yet tell you everything just so you won’t do that in front of me.  
  
  
**Episode 3: I’m No Angel  
Dean**: I’m gonna get whiplash.  
**Sam** : What?  
**Dean** : I said… I wanna lick ass.  
**Sam** : …okay.  
  
  
**Episode 4: Slumber Party  
Charlie**: I kind of wish hunting was more… magical. Like in this one fanfic I read.  
**Dean** : No, no, no. No fanfic. This is a fanfiction free zone.  
**Charlie** : But it’s really good! The incest is only kind of graphic and tastefully done…  
**Dean** : No means no.  
**Charlie** : You top.  
**Dean** : I’m listening.

_-and-_

**Dorothy** : Go, I’ll buy you some time!  
**Charlie** : No, Dorothy, wait.  
**Dorothy** : What?  
**Charlie** : Dean, you beat this and I’ll let you watch. You keep Sam off Dorothy, I’ll let you videotape it.  
**Dean** : Wait, what just happened?  
  
  
**Episode 5: Dog Dean Afternoon  
Dean**: Oh, wow, hey, I don’t have the urge to sniff butts.  
**Colonel** : That’s not what I saw last night.  
**Dean** : That wasn’t sniffing and you know it.  
  
  
**Episode 6: Heaven Can’t Wait  
Sam**: So, then what’s the point, Dean? It’s barely even a case.  
**Dean** : That’s why I’m just gonna go have a little look-see and we’re not gonna waste a whole lot of manpower on a big pile of nada.  
**Kevin** : In other words, a perfect excuse to bail out on research.  
**Dean** : I don’t see you offering to get under the table and make it more bearable.  
**Kevin** : We’ve been over this, I don’t swing that way.  
**Dean** : Sammy?  
**Sam** : I haven’t been able to fit under a table since I was nineteen.  
**Dean** : All right, then, I’ll check you crazy kids later. Good times!  
  
  
**Episode 7: Bad Boys  
Sam**: Wait, wait, hold it right there. You really expect me to believe you were caught stealing peanut butter and bread?  
**Dean** : Why the hell not?  
**Sam** : First of all, by sixteen you’d been lifted porn mags for four years and hadn’t been caught once. While I’m sure peanut butter and bread would be a little harder to hide, somehow I think you could have managed. Second, Dad had very specific rules on stealing. If you were caught shop lifting, he would have kicked your ass, not left you in jail. And, most importantly, I’ve seen your rap sheet, Dean. I know about the prostitution charges. I just didn’t realize you went to a boy’s home for it.  
**Dean** : …so, like I said. I got caught stealing peanut butter and bread.  
  
  
**Episode 8: Rock and a Hard Place  
Jody**: ‘Cept those that got it. Come on, you and Dean, that’s somethin’ special, don’t you think?  
**Sam** : Maybe, I don’t know. He’s been a little distant lately. I know he’s not usually the romantic type, but it’s always been a little different when we’re alone together. Recently, it’s just, it’s like he has his guard up, like he thinks someone is watching and he has to slap my ass and go get a shower after instead of just laying there for a little while and… now that I’m looking at your face, Bobby didn’t tell you any of this, did he?  
**Jody** : Not a damn word.  
**Sam** : Right, because when you said we had something special, I thought you meant…  
**Jody** : Oh, I got that.  
**Sam** : I’m just gonna sit here and pretend I didn’t… you know.  
**Jody** : You do that.  
  
  
**Episode 9: Holy Terror  
Castiel**: Ezikeal is dead.  
**Dean** : What?  
**Castiel** : He died when the angels fell.  
**Dean** : Then who the hell has been listening in on me and Sam having sex?  
**Castiel** : What?  
**Dean** : Nothing, I just feel… dirty. And a little turned on, but mostly dirty.  
  
  
**Episode 10: Road Trip  
Dean**: So you’re saying we’re both a couple of dumb asses?  
**Castiel** : I prefer the word trusting. Less dumb, less ass.  
**Dean** : Less dumb, anyway. I seem to remember you preferring the ass part.  
**Castiel** : That is… I see your point.  
  
  
**Episode 11: First Born  
Sam**: You’re a terrible liar.  
**Castiel** : That is not true, I once deceived and betrayed both you and your brother. You and I conspired together to convince Dean into sitting between us in the threesome and then underhandedly manipulated him into letting us double…  
**S** am: Okay, that’s not the point. Cas, what’s wrong?

_-and-_

**Cain** : Since when does the great Dean Winchester ask for help? Come on, that doesn’t sound like the man I’ve read about on demon bathroom walls.  
**Dean** : Really, I’m on their bathroom walls? So, uh, what else do they say about me?  
**Cain** : A lot.  
**Dean** : Hey, while we’re waiting, I don’t suppose you’d want to help me cross Father of Death off my bucket list, would you?  
**Cain** : No.  
**Dean** : Yeah, I didn’t think so. Worth a shot.  
  
  
**Episode 12: Sharp Teeth  
Garth**: Dean? Sam? What is this, a hospital? Wait, am I in heaven?  
**Dean** : Really? Garth, your idea of heaven is a lot more interesting than I would’ve given you credit for.  
**Sam** : Dean…  
**Dean** : What? The kid’s got good taste, but no, this isn’t heaven.  
  
  
**Episode 13: The Purge  
Dean**: Hey.  
**Sam** : Yeah.  
**Dean** : About what you said the other day.  
**Sam** : I thought it didn’t bother you.  
**Dean** : No, I was just wondering if maybe we could be, uh, you know, ‘strictly business with benefits.’  
**Sam** : No.  
**Dean** : Come on, Sammy, it’s not like we have any other options around here.  
**Sam** : I think me and my right hand’ll be just fine.  
  
  
**Episode 14: Captives  
Sam**: Really, Dean?  
**Dean** : What?  
**Sam** : That’s your third unanswered voicemail. You ever think maybe he’s just not that into you?  
**Dean** : Okay, first off, dude, everyone is that into me. I swung a three way with lesbians in Tulsa. If I wanted, Crowley would be my bitch. Second, he is our last confirmed link to Ms. Tran.  
  
  
**Episode 15: #THINMAN  
Ed**: If I tell Harry, he’s gonna leave the Ghostfacers.  
**Sam** : If you don’t tell him, he’s gonna leave anyway. Trust me here, secrets ruin relationships.  
**Dean** : Really, Sammy? Anything else you want to share with the class?  
**Sam** : I’m just trying to help.  
**Dean** : No, you’re just dragging our personal shit into this.  
**Sam** : If the shoe fits, Dean.  
**Dean** : Yeah, but the shoe doesn’t fit. I never made up imaginary killers to keep you around.  
**Sam** : Right, but you have tricked me into agreeing to be possessed by an angel.  
**Dean** : Dude, you were dying! I didn’t have a lot of other options.  
**Sam** : I’m sure Ed here thought the same thing, that doesn’t make it okay.  
**Ed** : You are so right. Secrets ruin relationships.  
**Sam/Dean** : Shut up, Ed!  
  
  
**Episode 16: Blade Runners  
Snooky**: Seriously? An exorcism? We had a deal.  
**Dean** : Eh, well, maybe we could…  
**Sam** : No, Dean, even _you_ are above _that_.  
**Dean** : Fair enough, continue.  
  
  
**Episode 17: Mother’s Little Helper  
Crowley**: Takes a junkie to know a junkie. You just want to touch that precious again, don’t you.  
**Dean** : I do, god help me I do, but Sam just won’t put out.  
**Crowley** : I’m not talking about the Moose.  
**Dean** : Yeah, but since you brought it up, you’re gonna hear about it. I want to get my hands all over him, Crowley. I want to _make love_ to him. I want to lay him down on a bed of roses and… come on, Crowley, get back here. I used to read Bobby’s old romance novels, I could do this for hours!  
  
  
**Episode 18: Meta Fiction  
Castiel**: Hold on, I’m sending you a photo of the symbol that drew all the angels in.  
**Sam** : Yeah, um… wrong picture, Cas.  
**Castiel** : My apologies, I’ll resend it.  
**Dean** : Dude, why do you have a picture of yourself naked on your phone?  
**Castiel** : My human self was sentimental. I remembered the photograph of Sam in your room and thought perhaps, if we survived this, you would like to… have one of me.  
**Dean** : …  
**Sam** : …  
**Castiel** : I know, it was foolish.  
**Dean** : No, no! Not foolish. Definitely not foolish. Just, uh, why wait?  
**Sam** : Don’t do it, Cas.  
**Dean** : Why the hell not?!  
**Sam** : Oh, I don’t know, maybe because I don’t want to see Castiel in nothing but a trench coat every time I walk into your room? It’s bad enough seeing myself up there all… naked and soapy without adding him to it.  
**Dean** : You’re just jealous.  
**Sam** : Am not.  
**Dean** : Are to.  
**Sam** : Am not.  
**Castiel** : I sense now would be a good time to hang up the phone.  
  
  
**Episode 19: Alex Annie Alexis Ann  
Dean**: So, she’s a blood slave. We’ve seen it before vampires keeping people as pets. Human feedbags. Hey, uh, remember when we took that week up in Wisconsin, cabin in the woods, just you and me playing blood slave and vampire.  
**Sam** : Yeah, Dean, not right now.  
**Dean** : Why not? You said she knew.  
**Sam** : And we’re in the middle of a police station.  
**Dean** : Whatever. Hey, Jody, you still got that cabin?  
  
**Episode 20: Blood Lines  
** No.  
  
  
**Episode 21: King of the Damned  
Dean**: Well, that’s the problem. See, you don’t think anybody’s lying, I think everybody’s lying, and Sam here just wants to be a real girl.  
**Sam** : *bitchface*  
  
_-and-_  
  
**Sam** : You don’t bend that rule. You don’t. We’ll take him back to the bunker, figure out the spell. That’s the way it’s gotta be.  
**Crowley** : He is not going back there with you. I know what you lot do in that bunker. I’ve heard the rumors.  
**Dean** : Ah, Crowley, give us some credit. After what you did in my car last year, you really think I’m gonna wait till we get to the bunker?  
  
  
**Episode 22: Stairway to Heaven  
Dean**: That blade is the only thing that can kill Metatron and I’m the only one that can use it. So from here on out, I’m calling the shots. Capisce? Until I jam that blade into the douchebag’s heart, we are not a team. This is a dictatorship. Now, you don’t have to like it, but that’s how it’s gonna be.  
**Sam** : Dean, wait…  
**Dean** : What?  
**Sam** : You… are really hot when you order me around like that.  
**Dean** : Yeah? Well, here’s another order. You have ten minutes to get cleaned up and in my room. I want you naked, in my bed, and we’re using the handcuffs. In fact, if you’re a really good boy, Sammy, I’ll ask Cas to join us and we'll see how you like being double teamed.

  
**Episode 23: Do You Believe in Miracles  
Sam**: So, wait, now that you’re a demon, does that mean you’re full on evil? Or maybe just kind of evil with a side of I still love my brother?  
**Dean** : …  
**Sam** : Come on, Dean, say something.  
**D** ean: …  
**Sam** : Crowley?  
**Crowley** : Not my place, Moose.  
**Sam** : Deeeeean?  
**Dean** : …  
**Sam** : Do you want to do that one thing I said I’d never let you do?  
**Dean** : …  
**Sam** : He’s gonna make me wait, isn’t he? He’s gonna make me wait four months to find out.  
**Dean** : …  
**Crowley** : Looks like.  
**Sam** : Son of a bitch. He _is_ evil.  
**Dean** : *smiles… evilly*


	10. Season 10

**Episode 1: Black  
Cole**: *holds out phone* Speak.  
**Sam** : *glares*  
**Dean** : Hey, Sammy, you there?  
**Sam** : …  
**Dean** : He got you tied up? Yeah, I’ll bet he does. What are you wearing?  
**Sam** : …  
**Cole** : What is he…?  
**Dean** : I’ll tell you what I’m _not_ wearing. Underwear.  
**Sam** : *rolls eyes*  
**Dean** : That’s right, Sammy, I’m driving a car with no underwear on. You remember that time between Sacramento and Miami?  
**Sam** : *resigned sigh*  
**Dean** : I wasn’t wearing any then, either.  
**Cole** : *in phone* Are you trying to have phone sex right now? You are aware I have your _brother_ hostage. Did I not make that clear?  
**Dean** : No, I got that, now stop interrupting. In fact, untie one of his hands so he can touch himself. It’s been ages since we did this.  
**Sam** : I am not having phone sex with you!  
**Dean** : There we go. Now I have proof he’s not only alive, but unharmed. You haven’t even pulled the stick out of his ass.  
**Sam** : …  
**Dean** : Is he doing his bitch face at the phone? I love it when he does that.

 

 **Episode 2: Reichenbach  
Dean**: *yanks at cuffs, looks up* Are you happy now?!  
**Sam** : Dean, who are you talking to?  
**Dean** : The fan girls. Who the hell else would they be doing this for?  
**Sam** : Doing what?  
**Dean** : *looks up again* Finally got one of us handcuffed to the Impala. Only took you ten seasons!  
**Sam** : Dean, I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but I’m just trying to save you.  
**Dean** : *glares*  
**Sam** : *grins*  
**Dean** : Yeah, you go ahead and sit pretty up there while you can, because I will get out of these and when I do, I’m coming for you.  
**Sam** : Speaking of coming…  
**Dean** : *thinks about it* Why the hell not? You wanna lose the cuffs so we can do this properly?  
**Sam** : I’m horny, not stupid.  
**Dean** : Can’t blame a guy for trying. Get over here and show me what you’ve got.  
**Sam** : Bossy bottom.  
**Dean** : Who said I was bottoming?  
**Sam** : The one not handcuffed to the car?  
**Dean** : Son of a bitch.

 

 **Episode 3: Soul Survivor  
Dean**: Well, you on the other hand, you… lookin’ good. So… are you back?  
**Castiel** : At least temporarily. It’s a long story. Crowley, stolen grace, there’s a female outside in the car, could… another time.  
**Dean** : No, no, wait, you have a _girl_ in the car?  
**Castiel** : No, well, yes, but it’s not…  
**Dean** : You know what this means?  
**Castiel** : I really don’t think…  
**Dean** : Orgy! Sam, get down here, Cas has a girl with him and we’re having an orgy!  
**Sam** : No, I’m getting you food and then I’m getting drunk.  
**Dean** : You can do all three! In fact, take her with you; I know how you like to bond with girls before you pork ‘em.  
**Sam** : No!  
**Dean** : Come on, Sammy, you could have killed me. Don’t you think you owe me this?  
**Sam** : God, fine! Were you at least half this annoying when you were shacking up with Crowley?  
**Dean** : More. Now, shut up and get me pie, bitch.  
**Sam** : Jerk.  
**Castiel** : It is good to have you back, Dean.

 

 **Episode 4: Paper Moon  
Dean**: Sam, what we’re doing here. It’s good, okay, you and me, hanging out. But I need to work. I need this.  
**Sam** : Really? You _need_ it.  
**Dean** : I’ll do anything.  
**Sam** : Anything?  
**Dean** : _Anything_.  
**Sam** : Laundry, for an entire month.  
**Dean** : What? Just hold on a minute there. When I said anything, I meant like, sex stuff anything, not laundry anything.  
**Sam** : Name one sexually related activity I would actually have to bribe you to do.  
**Dean** : Monogamy?  
**Sam** : *puppy-dog eyes*  
**Dean** : Son of a… okay, fine - laundry for a month.  
**Sam** : And you have to pick your towel up off the floor after your shower.  
**Dean** : Well, now you’re just pushing it.

 

 **Episode 5: Fan Fiction  
Sam**: *wakes up* What the… Dean, why am I tied to the bed?  
**Dean** : Since you seem to think it’s so funny that fangirls everywhere think I’m ass up for Cas…  
**Sam** : You are.  
**Dean** : Not the point. The point is, since you think it’s so funny that people like to write sordid little stories about my love life, I thought maybe we’d listen to one about yours. I had the girls back at the school make me something called a podfic. It’s a poignant little piece of fanfiction they categorized as Sabriel.  
**Sam** : So, that’s me and… oh, you sick…  
**Dean** : That’s right. Let’s have a listen to what you and your favorite archangel Gabriel are up to when I’m not around.  
**Sam** : Don’t you dare! Dean, you close that laptop right now!  
**Dean** : What? It’s just fanfiction, right? Emphasis on fiction? It’s harmless. Hey, maybe it’ll even get you in the mood.  
**Sam** : …I was _soulless_ when I said that.  
**Dean** : And yet, we’re still going to listen to this. Hey, don’t worry. Marie said it would only be two hours - tops. So, you just lay back, relax and think about what you’ve done. Or what they imagine you doing. Or, well, what they imagine _Gabriel_ doing to _you_. You get the idea.  
**Sam** : *glares*  
**Dean** : *presses play*

 

 **Episode 6: Ask Jeeves  
Dash**: Bobby must have really meant something to Aunt Bunny. How can we repay you?  
**Dean** : You know what? Just forget we were ever here.  
**Dash** : You saved our lives. I want everyone to know what heroes you…  
**Dean** : Look, pal, the fact that we pulled your bacon out of the fire, is nobody’s business. Okay? Hey, I’m serious, Izod. Put a pin in it, or we’ll be back for your preppy ass.  
*gets in car*  
**Sam** : I can’t believe you just walked away from that without asking for anything.  
**Dean** : Since when do we take money for what we do?  
**Sam** : First of all, you’ll scam pool from truck drivers in dive bars, but you won’t take money from someone who can clearly afford it? And I wasn’t even talking about that.  
**Dean** : Well, then, what the hell are you talking about?  
**Sam** : Those were some nice beds they had back there.  
**Dean** : That’s what this is about?  
**Sam** : *suggestive eyebrow waggle*  
**Dean** : Man, you are a whore for a pillow top.  
**Sam** : Like I’m the only one.  
**Dean** : *sigh* Would it shut you up if I agreed to break in there later and fuck you into the old lady’s luxury mattress?  
**Sam** : You know damn well it will.  
**Dean** : Right. We can’t go back until after the police leave. I figure we’ve got time for dinner, maybe even a movie. It’ll be like a date.  
**Sam** : You are such a gentleman.  
**Dean** : Then I’ll fold you in half and make you cum all over your own face.  
**Sam** : That’s more like it.

 

 **Episode 7: Girls, Girls, Girls  
Dean/Sam**: *watching Cole drive off*  
**Sam** : Did he say where he was going?  
**Dean** : Home. *pause* So, what are the odds he gets there and his entire family is dead?  
**Sam** : Dean!  
**Dean** : What? Don’t tell me you’re not thinking it.  
**Sam** : *sighs* Maybe. Although, I’d put my money on him turning into whatever his dad was and killing them himself.  
**Dean** : Really? And you couldn’t have said that _before_ we let him drive off? You do realize this is gonna come back to bite us in the ass?  
**Sam** : Eh, maybe we’ll get lucky.  
**Dean** : Really? When have we ever gotten that lucky?  
**Sam** : Last night with the prostitute?  
**Dean** : Touché, little brother.

 

 **Episode 8: Hibbing 911  
Jody**: *hangs up phone*  
**Donna** : You okay there?  
**Jody** : Yeah, just… is there maybe a janitor’s closet or vacant room anywhere around here?  
**Donna** : Oh, I’m sure there is. Why?  
**Jody** : When the boys disappear that quickly and stop answering their phones, it usually means one of two things. Either they’ve been taken hostage by the bad guys or…  
**Donna** : Or?  
**Jody** : Or… *whispers in Donna’s ear*  
**Donna** : Oh. Oh! Really? But they’re so tall.  
**Jody** : I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.  
**Donna** : You know, neither do I. I just say the darndest things when I’m surprised. But, no, really?  
**Jody** : Oh, yeah, I’ve seen the footage. Consequently, if you ever go looking through the belongings of a dead friend and find a tape marked ‘Family Business,’ don’t watch it.  
**Donna** : Good to know. You still want to check out that closet?  
**Jody** : Not really. Come on, let’s take a look around, I’m sure they’ll catch up.  
**Donna** : Hm. Hey, Sherriff Mills? You wouldn’t happen to have a copy of that tape, would you?

 

 **Episode 9: The Things We Left Behind  
Castiel**: He saved you.  
**Dean** : Yeah, and you know what he got for that? Me whining about how much he embarrassed me. Me telling him that I hated him. But then he stopped and turned around and he looked at me and he said, ‘Son, you don’t like me? That’s fine. It’s not my job to be liked.’  
**Sam** : It’s my job to raise you right.  
**Castiel** : Hm. Where were you, Sam?  
**Sam** : What? Oh, no, that’s… no, I was in the, uh, the car.  
**Castiel** : Alone? On Bowery Street in New York in the middle of the night?  
**Sam** : Well… yeah. I mean, when you say it like that…  
**Dean** : No, it was okay. Dad always kept loaded weapons under the seat in case of an emergency.  
**Sam** : That and a bottle of whiskey.  
**Castiel** : I find myself questioning your father’s parenting.

 

 **Episode 10: The Hunter Games  
Dean**: You know us. We screw ourselves, we like to go whole hog.  
**Castiel** : I do know you and I was unaware you enjoyed fornication with swine.  
**Dean** : Okay, first off, metaphor.  
**Castiel** : Right, metaphor. I still have trouble with those sometimes.  
**Dean** : Second, everything’s better with bacon. Even sex.  
**Castiel** : That sounds… messy. And salty.  
**Sam** : It is, but he is not wrong.  
**Castiel** : As much as I would enjoy continuing this conversation, I must insist we discus the situation with the first blade.  
**Dean** : Worth a try.

 

 **Episode 11: There’s No Place Like Home  
Sam**: You gotta protect them both. I mean, if Dark Charlie gets hurt, then…  
**Charlie** : …so do I. So, be careful.  
**Dean** : Got it. *starts to walks away, stops* Oh, hey, Charlie, um… do you think dark you would consider… you know?  
**Charlie** : *sigh* Good or evil, I’m still a lesbian, Dean.  
**Dean** : So… is that a no?  
**Charlie** : That’s a no.  
**Dean** : Damn. *walks away*

 

 **Episode 12: About a Boy  
Sam**: What? Dude, Wait wait, wait, wait a second. Talk to me.  
**Dean** : Really, Sam, now? I got no grass on the infield and a girl’s gonna die. Sorry if I’m not in a chatty mood. Look, you wanted me back in the game. I’m back in the damn game. Come on.  
**Sam** : Seriously, Dean, just, hold on a minute!  
**Dean** : What?!  
**Sam** : *looks down at Dean*  
**Dean** : *looks up at Sam*  
**Sam** : *grins* Hey, uh, Dean…  
**Dean** : Don’t say it. Don’t you _dare_ say it.  
**Sam** : Say what?  
**Dean** : So, help me god, Sam, if you say what I think you’re gonna to say, I will do more then just kick you ass.  
**Sam** : You watch your language, young man.  
**Dean** : *glares*  
**Sam** : Hey, Dean?  
**Dean** : …What?  
**Sam** : While you’re down there…  
**Dean** : Goddamnit, Sam! Get in the car!

 

 **Episode 13: Halt, Catch & Fire  
Sam**: Now, I’m going through her deleted files  
**Dean** : You can do that?  
**Sam** : Yeah.  
**Dean** : Hm.  
**Sam** : I mean, nothing’s ever really gets deleted from the internet.  
**Dean** : …  
**Sam** : You knew that, right?  
**Dean** : Yeah.  
**Sam** : *chuckles*  
**Dean** : So, by never, you mean, like, _never_ never?  
**Sam** : Yeah, Dean, never. What did you put on there, anyway?  
**Dean** : Remember that time we went to Mardi Gras in New Orleans and you got wasted and found that prink lace bra in the trunk and put it on and flashed all the cute co-eds?  
**Sam** : You said you deleted that!  
**Dean** : Yeah, well, apparently, nothing’s ever really deleted on the internet.

 

 **Episode 14: Executioner’s Song  
Abel**: Hello, Dean. At a lost for words, my son? Allow me. This is the part where you tell me it’s not too late. That I can lay down arms, abandon my mission, we don’t have to fight.  
**Dean** : …so, about that bucket list?  
**Abel** : No.  
**Dean** : Damnit.  
**Abel** : Are you done?  
**Dean** : Hey, since you put the mark of Cane on me, do you think it counts if I masturbate?  
**Abel** : No!  
**Dean** : Fine, let’s do this.

 

 **Episode 15: The Things They Carried  
Cole**: Till I know what’s going on here, I stick to you two like flies on roadkill. Make sure my buddy gets home safe.  
**Dean** : Hey, whatever you say, but, uh, it could get awkward.  
**Sam** : Dean…  
**Cole** : What’s that supposed to mean?  
**Dean** : It means Sammy here lost a bet earlier.  
**Sam** : You are not collecting on Roadtrip-Chicken with Cole in the backseat.  
**Cole** : Roadtrip-Chicken?  
**Dean** : Yeah, no, it’s great. We see who can hold it the longest. First person to makes us pull over has to give the other one head.  
**Sam** : Except Dean usually loses on purpose.  
**Dean** : *wink*  
**Cole** : What… Wait, you… I thought that was some demon thing.  
**Dean** : Oh, no, that is all Winchester. Still interested in coming?  
**Cole** : *significant pause* Yes. *gets in the car*  
**Dean** : We are _so_ in there.

 

 **Episode 16: Paint It Black  
Father**: Is there something else?  
**Dean** : …  
*ten minutes later*  
**Father** : Get out of this church. My god, what is wrong with you?  
**Sam** : Couldn’t resist, could you?  
**Dean** : You know me.

 

 **Episode 17: Inside Man  
Sam**: So, uh, was that a nightmare last night or were you just happy to see me?  
**Dean** : In your dreams  
**Sam** : No, uh, that would be in _your_ dreams.  
**Dean** : Shut up.

 

 **Episode 18: Book of the Damned  
Dean**: So, you back? One hundred perfect. How’d that happen?  
**Castiel** : Um, it was Hanna, she managed to get the location of the remainder of my grace out of metatron.  
**Dean** : Awesome. Told you we were due for a win. Good to have you back. Now, come on, I got beer, pizza and Charlie picked out a movie that’s guaranteed to make us all really uncomfortable.  
**Sam** : Oh, no, dude, I’m not up for anymore lesbian porn right now.  
**Dean** : I wish. No, she got All Dogs Go to Heaven.  
**Sam** : *cringes*  
**Castiel** : I don’t understand.  
**Sam** : Dean always cries at the end of All Dogs Go to Heaven.  
**Castiel** : But I don’t like it when Dean cries.  
**Sam** : Yeah, nobody does. Hey, Charlie, _why_?  
**Charlie** : Because this way I’m not the only _not_ getting laid. I swear to God, every time I’m here, it’s like an orgy I’m not invited to.  
**Dean** : Oh, you’re invited.  
**Charlie** : Not unless you’re willing to try that gender swap spell I found.  
**Dean** : …  
**Sam** : You found a gender swap spell? Dean, she found a gender swap spell?  
**Dean** : No.  
**Sam** : But…  
**Dean** : No means no, Sammy!  
**Sam** : *whispers to Charlie* Half a bottle of Tequilla, no means yes.  
**Dean** : What was that?!  
**Sam/Charlie** : Nothing!

 

 **Episode 19: The Werther Project  
Rowena**: There’s only one thing you can do for me that I can not presently do for myself  
**Sam** : I’m not doing that.  
**Rowena** : Pardon?  
**Sam** : No offense, for a two hundred year old witch, you’re not bad, but at least of half of everyone I’ve slept have ended up dead and I need your help, so, sorry, but I’m not doing that.  
**Rowena** : I meant, kill my son.  
**Sam** : Oh. Oh! Sorry, I just assumed…  
**Rowena** : Never you mind. You’re an attractive lad. If I didn’t need you to kill Fergus, I might just take you up on that.  
**Sam** : That… no.  
**Rowena** : Suit yourself.

 

 **Episode 20: Angel Heart  
Dean**: Officer? Agents Clapton and Paige.  
**Officer** : And you’re little friend?  
**Dean** : Oh, uh, yeah, it’s… she’s a professional.  
**Officer** : I’m sorry, what?  
**Dean** : You know, a professional. *wink wink*  
**Claire** : What?!  
**Dean** : Yeah, I was tryin’ to bang one out when the call came in. We’re still on the clock, so…  
**Claire** : *slugs Dean’s arm*  
**Dean** : And that, young lady, is what life’ll look like if you don’t straighten up and start taking this seriously. *to Officer* Scared straight. So, what have we got here?

 

 **Episode 21: Dark Dynasty  
Dean**: Here’s how this works. You’re strong, I’ll give you that, but you can bleed and hurt just like the next guy. So, I’m gonna ask questions, you’re going to give answers, or it’s gonna get crazy real quick.  
**Eldon** : Well, I hope you’ve got some time. I’m not the usual breed of cat.  
**Dean** : Neither are we. Sam, get the book.  
*thirty minutes later*   
**Sam** : “I imagine him as an old-time movie director wearing jodhpurs, holding an old-fashioned megaphone and riding crop. The image makes me laugh out loud.”  
**Eldon** : Stop! Stop, I give up! I can’t take it anymore. What do you want to know? Anything, just stop reading! You want to know about my family? We’re the House of Frankenstein, we harvest parts from people to keep ourselves alive. We create chaos so we can profit from cleaning it up. That’s why we want the book, the kind of chaos we could create with that? We’d be unstoppable.  
**Dean** : *to Sam* And you said Fifty Shades of Grey was worthless.  
**Sam** : No, you were definitely right. Keep an eye on him, I’ll be back.  
**Dean** : Where are you going?  
**Sam** : To take a shower. He lasted fifty pages, I feel… dirty.

 

 **Episode 22: The Prisoner  
Eldon**: Roscoe?  
**Roscoe** : *dies*  
**Dean** : *walks in*  
**Eldon** : There he is. I hope you brought marshmallows.  
**Dean** : I hope you brought lubricant.  
**Eldon** : What?  
**Dean** : Cause you’re fucked.  
**Eldon** : …that’s a bit of a stretch.  
**Dean** : I know.  
**Eldon** : I expected better.  
**Dean** : Yeah, no, I’m disappointed in myself, too. Can we try that again?  
**Eldon** : I feel like the moment’s passed.  
**Dean** : Fair enough. *shoots him*

 

 **Episode 23: Brother’s Keeper  
Death**: Before there was light. Before there was God and the Archangels, there was nothing. There was the Darkness. A horribly destructive, amoral force that was beaten back by God and his Archangels in a terrible war.  
**Dean** : So, basically, the internet.  
**Death** : What?  
**Dean** : I’m just saying, horrible, destructive, amoral? Come on, there are entire blogs dedicated to Kim Kardashian and Miley Cyrus, if that’s not evil…  
**Death** : Is everything a joke to you?  
**Dean** : Pretty much.  
**Death** : You and God would get along famously. Now, pay attention, this is serious.


	11. Season 11

**Episode 1: Out of the Darkness, Into the Fire  
Dean**: If you’re as bad as they say you are, why haven’t you hurt me?  
 **Darkness** : For the same reason that you’ll never hurt me. We’re bound, Dean. We’ll always be bound. You helped me. I helped you. No matter where I am, who I am, we will always help each other  
 **Dean** : Dude, you are hot.  
 **Darkness** : What?  
 **Dean** : I’m just saying, I’d totally get in there.  
 **Darkness** : Did you hear anything I said?  
 **Dean** : No. I was too busy staring at your boobs.  
 **Darkness** : …  
 **Dean** : Still want to be bound to me?  
 **Darkness** : It’s not a choice.  
 **Dean** : Damn. Worth a shot.

 

 

 **Episode 2: Form and Void  
Dean**: *singing to baby* Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping… Hey, look at that, I think she likes me!

 

 

 **Episode 3: The Bad Seed  
Rowena**: You mean he didn’t tell you about that thing between him, me, and Crowley?  
 **Dean** : What is she talking about Sam?  
 **Sam** : No, Dean, it’s not what you’re thinking.  
 **Dean** : Really? ‘Cause I’m thinking it was an orgy.  
 **Sam** : What?! No! I made a deal with her to kill Crowley if she could get the mark off you.  
 **Dean** : You made a deal? With _her_?  
 **Sam** : What was I supposed to do? At least it wasn’t an orgy with the king of hell.  
 **Dean** : I would have preferred the orgy!  
 **Rowena** : It could still be an orgy now.  
 **Dean/Sam** : Shut up!

 

 

 **Episode 4: Baby  
Dean**: A lot of other things happened in this car.  
 **Sam** : Dean…  
 **Dean** : Out of everything that has ever happened in Baby, they focus on a hunt and you banging some waitress?  
 **Sam** : It’s not personal.  
 **Dean** : No, no that’s exactly what it is and we are not ending on that. You take your pants off and you get back there right now.

 

 

 **Episode 5: Thin Lizzie  
Dean**: Len, whatever darkness you have inside you, if there is even a shred on conscience, there might be hope.  
 **Len** : No, Sam said, once your soul is gone, you can’t get it back.  
 **Dean** : Well, Sam says a lot of things. He said he wanted to get freaky for our anniversary last week, but then he got too drunk to stand, let alone get down to hanky panky town.  
 **Len** : ….  
 **Dean** : I’m just saying, don’t believe everything Sam says.

 

 

 **Episode 6: Our Little World  
Sam**: Guys, bigger fish to fry here. Amara’s in the wind.  
 **Dean** : Yeah, God’s friggin’ sister.  
 **Castiel** : You said you were close. Dean, how’d she get away?  
 **Dean** : I don’t know. One minute I’m ready to kill her and the next I’m being hit on by a Tween. I feel like a pedophile.  
 **Sam** : Well… I mean, if you want to get technical, what we did when I was sixteen kind of, at least a little, made you a pedophile, so… it’s not really a stretch.  
 **Dean** : You take that back! What we did when you were sixteen was a beautiful act of love.  
 **Sam** : Yeah, in the back of Impala.  
 **Dean** : I know. *sigh* Man, I love that car.  
 **Sam** : Really?  
 **Castiel** : I sense conflict. Has Dean said something wrong again?

 

 

 **Episode 7: Plush  
Donna**: Guy real strong too. Lashed out at several officers. It took a whole team just to get him into custody, but that’s not the weirdest part. Bunny head won’t come off.  
 **Sam** : What do you mean.  
 **Donna** : Tried everything. Short of a chain saw, but it’s really stuck. Eh. Who knows? Could be nothin’, guy could just have a big melon like my uncle Wally.  
 **Dean** : Or, he could be taking his furry fetish a bit too far. Hey, Sammy, remember the time we…  
 **Sam** : *clears his throat* Not now, Dean.  
 **Donna** : Oh, no, don’t stop on my account.

 

 

 **Episode 8: Just My Imagination  
Sully**: It’s on her face. It’s on her face. She’s got Sparkle on her face.  
 **Dean** : And not in the fun way.  
 **Mom** : I’m sorry, what?  
 **Dean** : Nothing, it’s… nothing.

 

 

 **Episode 9: O Brother Where Art Thou?  
Lucifer**: Sam Winchester, my old roomie. Hug it out? Forgive me handie?   Clean slate blowjob? Exoneration quickie? The full pardon? Bare…  
 **Sam** : We get it.

 

 

 **Episode 10: The Devil in the Details  
Dean**: *leaving voicemail* Hey, Cas, I know you’re fightin’ the good fight right now, but, um, I need you at 3rd and Pine in Kinasaw, Nebraska, ‘cause uh, I’m going to hell. And not like that time I told you I was going to hell and you showed up to rescue me and I was in the middle of a devil’s threeway with a priest and a nun in the back of a Catholic church with the children’s choir practicing out front. Not that I’m not going to hell for that, but I mean, I’m really going to hell this time. Now. To save Sam. So, a little back up would be nice.

 _-and-_

**Castiel** : Amara, she’s… she’s alive, she… she sent this message.  
 **Crowley** : I am coming? Is that a threat?  
 **Dean** : Or a promise.  
 **Rowena** : Or a verb. What? *to Dean* Don’t tell me you weren’t thinking it.  
 **Castiel** : *frowns* She did just consume an angel. An influx of grace when she’s been subsisting on human souls could be likened to a female orgasm.  
 **Dean** : How do we always end up here?

 

 

 **Episode 11: Into the Mystic  
Dean**: So, no retirement, huh?  
 **Sam** : Hey, you’re the one that’s always wanted to go out blaze of glory style. Preferably while the Bon Jovi Song is playing.  
 **Dean** : I am a candle in the wind. But, you know ‘blaze of glory’ doesn’t have to mean fighting. It could mean really old in a nice retirement home having heart attack inducing sex.  
 **Sam** : What, to Candle in the Wind?  
 **Dean** : Yeah, why not?  
 **Sam** : How can you be so good at sex and so bad at picking a sex track?  
 **Dean** : What’s a sex track?  
 **Sam** : It’s the music you listen to when you’re having sex.  
 **Dean** : If you’re actually listening to the music, you’re doing it wrong.  
 **Sam** : It sets the tempo!  
 **Dean** : Don’t give me that new age hippie shit. Keep digging.

 

 

 **Episode 12: Don’t You Forget About Me  
Jody**: Hey, if we can’t talk about it, we shouldn’t be doing it. Am I right?  
 **Sam/Dean** : …  
 **Jody** : Right?  
 **Dean** : Condoms. Always use condoms.  
 **Claire** : Like you?  
 **Dean** : Of course.  
 **Claire** : Really? ‘Cause I don’t remember seeing condoms in your car. Or your duffle. Or your wallet. Although, there was an impressive amount of lube.  
 **Jody** : *coughs*  
 **Dean** : Okay, this just got awkward. Look, I use condoms. I use a _lot_ of condoms.  
 **Jody** : *glares*  
 **Dean** : No, that’s not… *points to Claire* I am in a long term, committed relationship, we get tested regularly and no, we don’t use condoms when we’re with each other, but outside of that, I always use protection.  
 **Claire** : So, let me get this straight, whenever you cheat on your boyfriend, who’s also your little brother, you use condoms? Good to know.  
 **Dean** : …  
 **Sam** : *pats Dean on the back* Nice try, buddy.

_-and-_

**Jody** : Okay, hold on there, Quantico. You and I are leaving in a half an hour. The registrar, remember?  
 **Claire** : Reschedule it.  
 **Jody** : Again? Uh uh. You are going to beg him to let you reenroll. Tonight  
 **Claire** : When there’s a killer out there?  
 **Dean** : Hey.  
 **Claire** : What?  
 **Dean** : School is important.  
 **Claire** : Is that right? I’m sorry, I keep forgetting, which highschool did you dropout of?  
 **Dean** : I already knew I was gonna be a Hunter.  
 **Claire** : Really? ‘Cause that’s what I’ve been saying, except nobody’ll listen to me.  
 **Dean** : That’s different.  
 **Claire** : How exactly?  
 **Dean** : I… it just is. … Use a condom!  
 **Claire** : *rolls eyes and stalks off*  
 **Dean** : Damn.  
 **Jody** : You are surprisingly bad at that.  
 **Sam** : It’s a miracle I made it out alive.  
 **Dean** : Tell me about it.

 

 

 **Episode 13: Love Hurts  
Dean**: You honestly think the sister of god is my deepest darkest desire?  
 **Sam** : She isn’t?  
 **Dean** : No. She can’t be.  
 **Sam** : Why not?  
 **Dean** : Why? Because if she is that means I’m…  
 **Sam** : Complicit? Weak? Evil?  
 **Dean** : For starters, yeah.  
 **Sam** : Dean, those are all the things that make you, you. If you weren’t complicit, weak, and at least a little evil, I never could have convinced you to go along with half the shit we did before I turned eighteen. You never would have agreed to break into the school and un-alphabetize the principle’s file cabinets when she asked if Dad hit me.  
 **Dean** : Yeah, lamest idea for revenge you have ever come up with.  
 **Sam** : And you never would have banged me on her desk after. And, sure, sometimes you’re a jerk. Sometimes, you put on a clown costume to make the rape fantasy more realistic.  
 **Dean** : You struggled so hard.  
 **Sam** : And sometimes you make up stupid traditions like banging people on the side on Valentine’s Day for reasons I have yet to grasp.  
 **Dean** : It makes you jealous and when you’re jealous you get, um… forceful.  
 **Sam** : Really? If you wanted me to be more ‘forceful’, all you had to do is ask.  
 **Dean** : It’s not the same.  
 **Sam** : The point is, maybe you _are_ all those things, but I love you and I’m not going to judge you for that.  
 **Dean** : That was beautiful, Sam.  
 **Sam** : Shut up.  
 **Dean** : No, seriously, it was like a Hallmark moment.  
 **Sam** : Jerk.  
 **Dean** : Happy Valentine’s Day, bitch.

 

 

 **Episode 14: The Vessel  
Dean**: *Drinks beer*  
 **Sam** : Seriously, dude, it’s like noon.  
 **Dean** : Well, you drank all the coffee, what am I supposed to drink, water?  
 **Sam** : You know, if you’re, uh, if you’re really thirsty, I’ve got something under the table for you.  
 **Dean** : Classy, Sam, but that’s my pick up line.  
 **Sam** : That’s not a pick up line, that’s your ‘I’m half drunk and horny’ line.  
 **Dean** : Yeah, but it works.

 

 

 **Episode 15: Beyond the Mat  
Gunner Lawless**: Tell that to my ex-wives.  
 **Dean** : *phone rings* Huh, speaking of wives, gimme a sec.  Hey, Sam.  Watcha got?

 

 **Episode 16: Safe House  
Sam**: Yeah, well, look nobody said it was gonna be easy. You know the drill. Meantime, we…  
 **Dean** : Yeah, yeah, but we already did that this morning. And last night. And yesterday afternoon. I mean, how many times can we…  
 **Sam** : Dude, no! Meantime, we _hunt_. I found a case.  
 **Dean** : Ah. *long silence* So, does that mean we can’t…  
 **Sam** : No!

 

 

 **Episode 17: Red Meat  
** *Sam sitting in chair*  
 **Open Title** : ‘Red Meat’  
 **Sam** : Oh, I do not like the look of that.  
 **Dean** : *at desk* What?  
 **Sam** : Title screen. They’re calling the episode ‘Red Meat.’  
 **Dean** : Son of a bitch.  
 **Sam** : Wanna take bets on who dies this time?  
 **Dean** : No, let’s just get this over with. Why can’t we ever get episode titles like ‘Netflix and Chill,’ the time Sam and Dean just sat around the bunker in their underwear, eating nachos, catching up on Game of Thrones, and giving each other handies?  
 **Sam** : Because the fans would have a heart attack?  
 **Dean** : Smart ass.

 _-and-_

**Sam** : You know, we always talk about taking a break, going camping. This could be like that. It could be fun.  
 **Dean** : Yeah, which part? Freezing our nuts off in the woods on a thin lead?  
 **Sam** : I was thinking more the making love under the stars part, but yeah. Remember that time in Nebraska when Dad was asleep in the other tent?  
 **Dean** : The only thing I remember about Nebraska is running through the woods, trying to pull my pants up with a chupacabra chomping at our heels and dad asking how the hell it managed to get the drop on us during _my_ watch.  
 **Sam** : Right. I forgot about that.  
 **Dean** : Yeah, no sex in the creepy woods.

 

 

 **Episode 18: Hell’s Angel  
Dean**: He does her, we do him.  
 **Sam** : I’m not doing Satan.  
 **Dean** : That’s not what I meant and you know it.  
 **Sam** : I just want to make this perfectly clear. I’m going no where near Satan’s… you know.  
 **Dean** : Technically, you’d be going near Cas, because Lucifer is in Cas’s body, so…  
 **Sam** : …  
 **Dean** : Right, gotcha, no doing Satan, we’ll just put him back in the cage.

 

 

 **Episode 19: The Chitters  
Sam**: They’re a good team.  
 **Dean** : They are. I was thinking, maybe they can give us a hand. With Amara. With Cas. In bed.  
 **Sam** : Fresh eyes. Could use the extra muscle too. They know we’re brother, though. It could get weird.  
 **Dean** : Remember what dad used to say?  
 **Sam** : Vodka cures everything.  
 **Dean** : And we’ve got a lot of Vodka.

 

 

 

 **Episode 20: Don’t Call Me Shurley  
Sam**: Quit ironing my shirt with beer!  
 **Dean** : It’s the only way to get the cum stains out!  
 **Sam** : Why are there cum stains on my shirt?!  
 **Dean** : I’m disappointed you have to ask!

 

 

 **Episode 21: All in the Family  
Chuck**: I don’t mean to interrupt, kind of a plateful here. And, Kevin, you’ve been in the veil long enough. It’s time you had an upgrade. *snaps fingers.*  
*Kevin’s soul goes to heaven*  
 **Dean** : Holy crap.  
 **Chuck** : I know, it’s a lot…  
 **Dean** : No, Sam, you don’t understand. Do you know what trumps banging an angel?  
 **Sam** : Please don’t say it. Please don’t say…  
 **Dean** : Banging _God_.  
 **Sam** : He said it. I am so sorry about him.  
 **Chuck** : No, he’s not wrong and I’m flattered, really, but we have more important things to talk about.

 

 

 

 **Episode 22: We Happy Few  
Dean**: So, are we good.  
 **Chuck/Lucifer** : *nod*  
 **Dean** : Okay, great.  
 **Sam** : So, what now?  
 **Lucifer** : End of the world orgy.  
 **Dean** : I’m sorry, what?  
 **Chuck** : Isn’t that what you always do at this stage of the game? Get a group of attractive young men and women together and bang it out?  
 **Lucifer** : *nods*  
 **Chuck** : I put him in a box for thousands of years. I kind of owe him this.  
 **Dean** : Are you freakin’ kidding me?  
 **Chuck** : Of course I am. Not that I’m against a good orgy, but we need make a plan to trap Amara.  
 **Lucifer** : I can’t believe they fell for that. Do I really owe you a high five now? That feels degrading.  
 **Chuck** : I’ll settle for a hug.  
 **Lucifer** : *takes God’s hand and slaps it against his*  
 **Chuck** : *to Dean* It’s a work in progress.

 

 

 **Episode 23: Alpha and Omega  
Dean**: Come on, you know the drill. No chick flick moments. Come on.  
 **Sam** : Yeah, you love chick flicks.  
 **Dean** : Yeah, you’re right, I do. Come here. You take care of yourself. Take care of the car.  
 **Sam** : I will.  
 **Dean** : And don’t let Cas hog the covers. He’s worse than you.  
 **Sam** : *choked up laughter*  
 **Dean** : Also, I uh… after last time I had a, uh… a specialty toy made that’s an exactly replica of my… you know.  
 **Sam** : Seriously?  
 **Dean** : Don’t let Cas hog that, either.  
 **Sam** : Shut up.  I love you.  
 **Dean** :  Yeah, I love you too, Sammy.

_-and-_

**Dean** : Mom?  
 **Mary** : Dean?  
 **Dean** : Either I’m in heaven or things are about to get real awkward.


	12. Season 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what I will do with myself when this series ends. Let me know if you catch any errors and I will promptly make the necessary corrections.

**Episode 1: Keep Calm and Carry On**  
**Dean** :  Sammy?  Cas?  *skulking* You here? *skulking* You better not have started without me!  
**Mary** :  Started what?  
**Dean** :  Oh god!   I… forgot you were here.  
**Mary** : What would they have started?  
**Dean** :  Right, nothing.  They started… absolutely nothing.  
**Mary** :  Uh hu.

_-and-_

**Dean** :  An angel.  Capital A.  With wings.  Harp.  
**Castiel** :  No, I don’t have a harp.  
**Dean** :  He doesn’t have a harp, but he does give great head.  
**Castiel** :  I do.  
**Mary** : …  
**Dean** :  I mean… that’s what I’ve been told.  I wouldn’t know.  Personally.  I don’t… I’m a virgin.  
**Mary** :  Dean, honey, you’re thirty-six.  
**Dean** :  …Yeah.  
**Castiel** :  This is all very confusing.

_-and-_

**Mary** :  Is that a computer?  
**Castiel** :  Yes, I don’t trust them.  Dean uploaded a video to the internet once and I have yet to successfully delete it.  
**Mary** :  What kind of video?  
**Dean** :  Cas, don’t answer that.  
**Castiel** :  Yes, I suppose our collection of homemade pornography is better left between the three of us and the millions of people who managed to download it before you realized your mistake.  
**Mary** : I’m sorry, did you say _three_?  
**Dean** :  *closes eyes* _So_ awkward.

 

 

 **Episode 2: Mamma Mia**  
**Elizabeth** : Good morning, Sam.  Let’s start again, shall we.  Take our time.  I’ve cleared my calendar.  I would like name and locations of every Hunter.  The passcodes to each and every Men of Letters database help in the bunker.  Oh, and yes, let’s do discuss your relationship with the demon Ruby.  
**Sam** :  Let me stop you right there, that one’s easy.  We fucked.  A lot.  
**Elizabeth** : Just like that?  
**Sam** :  Well, not _just_ like that.  There was bondage, some pegging, that weird night we got drunk and tried water sports – never again – oh, and the threesome that shall never be mentioned.  
**Elizabeth** :  Between Ruby, yourself, and?  
**Sam** :  Dean.  
**Elizabeth** :  Your brother?  Right, I’m beginning to understand why the Americas are so overrun with evil.  
**Sam** :  No need to be rude.

 

 

 **Episode 3: The Foundry  
Mary**:  It’s probably nothing.  I just thought I might get out there.  Stretch my legs.  
**Sam** :  I thought you weren’t down to hunt in the first place?  
**Mary** :  No, I know. Of course, if you’d rather stay here and talk about what I overheard coming from the shower this morning, we can…  
**Dean** :  Well, would you look at that, things change.  Family hunting trip!

 

 

 **Episode 4: American Nightmare  
Dean**:  *leaves message for Mary, waiting for return text* I’m a thirteen year old girl.  
**Sam** :  Good to see you’re finally admitting it.  
**Dean** :  What the hell, Sam.  
**Sam** :  No, really.  Having mom around has really helped to open you up to your feelings.  
**Dean** :  I hate you so much right now.  
**Sam** :  We should call Cas and share the moment.  
**Dean** :  Don’t you dare!  He’s with Crowley.  
**Sam** :  Even better.  
**Dean** : …

_-and-_

**Dean** :  She gave me her number.  Her personal number  
**Sam** : You were gonna shoot her.  
**Dean** :  Yeah, kinda weird.  Kinda hot.  
**Sam** :  Really?  
**Dean** :  What?  Hey, how about we give her a call in a few hours and see how she feels about threesomes, handcuffs, and gun porn?  
**Sam** :  No.  
**Dean** :  Come on.  
**Sam** :  I said no.  
**Dean** :  Don’t be like that.  
**Sam** :  Dean…  
**Dean** :  Sammy…  
**Sam** :  *sighs*  
**Dean** :  That a boy.  
**Sam** :  I already regret this.

 

 

 **Episode 5: The One You’ve Been Waiting For**  
*talking to Aaron about the Nazis*  
**Sam** :  Any idea what’s cooking?  
**Aaron** :  Whatever it is, it’s big.  Really big.  Like, Dean’s epic gay crush on me big.  
**Dean** :  Son of a bitch, you are never gonna let that go, are you?  
**Aaron** :  Not a chance.

 

 

 **Episode 6: Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox  
Dean**:  I’m gonna catch some air.  
**Mary** :  Dean, wait.  
**Sam** : *stops her* No, don’t.  We didn’t have time to bang one out on the way over the Jody’s and it didn’t feel right playing Road-Head Chicken with her in the car so he’s a little cranky.  
**Mary** :  I’m sorry, you didn’t have time to what?  
**Sam** :  Oh, god, no, not… it… prostitutes.  
**Mary** :  Prostitutes?  
**Sam** :  Yeah, we usually pick up a couple of… prostitutes for an after hunt… celebration?  
**Mary** :  *raises eyebrows with a judgmental frown*  
**Sam** : …*nervously looks anywhere but his mom*  
**Mary** :  Sam, I’m kidding.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure out you two are a thing.  
**Sam** : Wait, really?  And… I mean, you’re okay with that?  
**Mary** :  Sometimes.  It’s still fun watching you squirm, though.  After Dean’s calmed down, we should mess with him, too.  
**Sam** :  Mom, I have never felt more connected to you.  
**Mary** :  I know, sweetie.

 

 

 **Episode 7: Rock Never Dies  
Crowley**: Enochian handcuffs?  That’s your move?  
**Castiel** : They held me.  
**Crowley** : Like you were even trying to get out of them.  
**Castiel** : I assure you, I was.  No matter how talented you think you are at fellatio, I do not enjoy receiving sexual favors in a parked car in the middle of the afternoon where anyone could walk by and see us.  
**Crowley** : Parts of you suggested otherwise.  
**Castiel** : That…  
**Sam:** Wow.  
**Dean** : Okay, ladies, you’re done.  Anymore thoughts about the devil?  
**Crowley** :  Well, since you asked…  
**Dean** :  Anything _helpful_?

 

 

 **Episode 8: LOTUS  
Dean**:  And why should we believe anything that you say?  
**Ketch** :  You, halo, do you sense I’m lying?  
**Castiel** :  My name is Castiel.  Or Cas.  Or Darlin’.  Or Cowboy.  Sugar, sometimes, when Dean’s had enough alcohol and is feeling particularly sentimental.  
**Dean** :  Cas, I don’t think Mr. Bond over there needs to know your pet names.

 

 

 **Episode 9: First Blood  
Sanchez**:  Six hours ago, Sam and Dean Winchester tried to kill the president of the United States.  
**Camp** :  Huh.  Do we know why?  
**Sanchez** :  They haven’t said a word since we picked them up.  Although they have been making lewd and suggestive hand gestures at each other.  We’re not sure if they’re actually trying to communicate or it’s an attempt to annoy their guard into letting them go.  
**Camp** :  Eh, probably both.

_-and-_

**Sanchez** :  You can’t run forever.  You’re trapped out here.  
**Dean** :   Well, what we have here, is a failure to communicate.   ‘Cause we’re not trapped out here with you.  You’re trapped out here with us.  
**Sam** :  *cocks gun*  
**Dean** :  And for the record, I can do a lot of things forever and running from a threat is the least interesting.  There was this one time we got snowed in on a hunt in Fargo and Sammy I were doing the old mutual masturbation dance and we had a bet going on who could hold out the longest.  
**Sam** :  Dean!  
**Dean** :  Let me tell ya, sometimes it ain’t so bad _cumming_ in second.  
**Sam** :  Give me that.  *grabs walky and throws it*  Not cool.  
**Dean** :  That pun was fantastic and you know it.  
**Sam** :  *glares*

 

 

 

 **Episode 10: Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets  
Dean**:  *puts down beer in front of Castiel* You earned it.  
**Castiel** :  Well, this will do very little for me, but I… I appreciate the gesture.  
**Sam** :  Don’t worry, I’m sure Dean’s got something better planned for later tonight.  
**Castiel** :  Considering the nature of our last case, I’m not sure an orgy is appropriate.  
**Dean** :  Okay, first of all, it’s not always about sex.  
**Sam** :  Well…  
**Dean** :  *glares at Sam*  And, _second_  *back to Castiel*   I was thinking more of Friends marathon and a few pints of ice cream.  
**Castiel** :  That would be nice.  Thank you.  
**Dean** :  Then we’ll have sex.  
**Sam** :  And there it is.  
**Castiel** :  Dean…  
**Dean** :  I’m kidding!  Kind of.

 

 

 **Episode 11: Regarding Dean  
Waitress**:  He ordered burgers to go, it was gonna be a minute, we got slammed, then you knocked back… four shots of tequila?  Put some “sick jams” on the juke and then you hit the bull.  
**Sam** :  He what?  
**Dean** :  I what?  
**Waitress** :  Oh yeah.  You had the hots for Larry as soon as you walked in here.  
**Sam** :  He… you rode Larry?  
**Dean** :  Jealousy’s an ugly thing, Sam.  
**Sam** :  I am not *forced laugh* jealous.  
**Dean** :  Keep tellin’ yourself that.  
**Sam** :  It’s a _mechanical_ bull.  
**Dean** :  You know, you’ll always be my favorite stud.  Was I any good?  
**Waitress** :  You were… amazing.  
**Dean** :  Hear that, Sam?  I was amazing.  
**Sam** : *glares at Larry*

 

 

 **Episode 12: Stuck in the Middle (With You)  
Sam**:  Crowley?  
**Mary** :  You’re him?  The king of hell?  
**Crowley** :  You must be mother Winchester.  Pleasure, I’ve heard so much.  
**Mary** :  Touch me and I’ll kill you.  
**Crowley** :  That’s what your son said. *winks*  
**Mary** :  *looks at Dean*  
**Dean** :  No, that… It’s not what it… He… I was a demon at the time.  
**Mary** :  You were a _what_?!  
**Dean** :  It’s a long story.  
**Mary** :  We have time.  
**Castiel** :  I’m *groans in pain* afraid I don’t.  
**Mary** :  Fine, but you’re not off the hook.  We _will_ talk about this later and you’re telling me _everything_.  I don’t care how long the story is.  
**Sam** :  *chuckles* Dea-ean’s in trouble.  
**Dean** :  Shut up.

 

 

 **Episode 13:  Family Feud**  
*phone rings*  
**Mary** :  Hey, Dean!  Nothin’, just uh… I’m at a motel outside Newark … No, no special plans, you know, Paperview, Magic Fingers, the u-sh. … No, not _those_ magic fingers, Dean, the ones in the bed that massage your back. … Mhm … Yeah, no, that would have been super weird.

 

 

 **Episode 14: The Raid  
Ketch**:  This is a Men of Letter’s bunker.  The location’s no secret to us.  
**Dean** :  Okay.  Cool.  Well, good talk.  
**Ketch** :  And whilst I understand that you’re not feeling warmly disposed to me, I wonder, what’s your disposition to this incredibly rare, unspeakably expensive bottle of barrel proof scotch?  
**Dean** :  …  
**Ketch** :  And, if that’s not enough to entice you to allow my entrance, I’ve also acquired this… *pulls out brown bag* …DVD of Asian pornography.  I’ve been told you take a liking to that sort of thing.  
**Dean** :  Yeah?  They tell you what else I take a liking to?  
**Ketch** :  Risky sex came up several times, however, I didn’t think we knew each other well enough for me to show up at your door with a gun and a box of condoms.  You understand.  
**Dean** :  Fair enough.  *grabs bottle* This had better be worth it.  
**Ketch** :  I assure you, it is.  
**Dean** :  Watch yourself.  That sounded suspiciously like a come on.  
**Ketch** :  *grins*

_-and-_

**Sam** :  Make a tincture, coat a silver bullet, use this spell, it’ll mimic the original etchings.  
**Mick** :  And that’ll work?  
**Sam** :  It better.  If not, start praying ‘cause we’ll need a miracle.  Which, if it does come to that, you should probably include how much you love Carver Edlund’s work into the prayer.  
**Mick** :  Carver Edlund?  The author of those books based on you and your brother?  
**Sam** :  Yeah and also God.  
**Mick** :  God?  As in…?  
**Sam** : _God_.  He’s taking a sabbatical right now to catch up with family, but he’s really proud of his work, so if you mention it, he might actually listen.  Although, I mean, he’s also kind of a dick sometimes, so… probably not.  
**Mick** :  I’m sorry, did you just call God a dick?  
**Sam** :  Have you met him?  
**Mick** :  Well, no, not as such, but…  
**Sam** :  Okay, then, take it from me, he’s a dick, but he appreciates honesty.  Unless you’re talking about his books, then lie through your teeth.

 

 

 

 **Episode 15: Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell  
Crowley**:  Maybe I’ve rubbed off all over you.  
**Dean** :  *shudder*  
**Crowley** :  That was a cum stain reference, by the way.  
**Dean** : Shut up.  
**Crowley** :  In case you forgot the time we…  
**Dean** :  I remember!

_-and-_

**Dean** :  *looking at his wrecked car*  And this is why you don’t drive.  
**Sam** :  I thought that was because you liked road-head.  
**Dean** :  Don’t change the subject.

 

 

 **Episode 16: Ladies Drink Free  
Dean**:  *at the title* Oh, hey, look, Sammy, you get free drinks!  
**Sam** : *bitch face* No, you know what?  I don’t have to put up with this anymore.  *takes out cell phone*  
**Dean** :  What are you doing?  
**Sam** : Hey, mom, he’s doing it again.  
**Dean** :  You called _mom_?!  
**Sam** :  Yeah, he’s right here.  *holds out phone*  She wants to talk to you.  
**Dean** :  Not cool, Sam.  
**Sam** :  Consider it pay back for all the times you ratted me out to dad.

 

 

 **Episode 17: The British Invasion  
Dean**: Where’s Ilene?  
**Sam** : She took off.  Headed back to Ireland.  She just needed some time off, I guess.  
**Dean** : Yeah, I get that. *drinks* Hey, for what it’s worth, I hope she survives the Curse of the Magic Death Penis.  
**Sam** :  Really, you’re bringing that back?  
**Dean** :  Throwback Thursday, Sammy, but I mean it.  She’s nice.

 

**Episode 18: The Memory Remains  
Ketch**:  It’s clear, onward.  Now, remember your orders.  By the time we leave, Dr. Hess wants to know everything about our friends the Winchesters.  Their allies, their habits.  How does Sam get his hair so shiny?  How many ratty flannels does Dean own?  Do they have a preferred lubricant?  Is there a little black book of conquests?  Does it contain contact numbers and or species?  
**Soldier** :  I’m sorry, sir, did you say species?  
**Ketch** :  Don’t ask, trust me when I say you don’t want to know.  Just catalogue everything.

 

 

 **Episode 19: The Future  
Sam**:  I mean, how did Cas even get the Colt out of the safe in the first place?  
**Dean** : …  
**Sam** :  Dean, you… you put the Colt back in the safe, right?  
**Dean** : …  
**Sam** :  Dean?  
**Dean** :  It was under my pillow.  
**Sam** :  It…  
**Dean** :  I like to keep it close.  You know, so I can feel it under my head when I’m lying in bed at night.  Sometimes, I, uh, I take it out and stroke it with my free hand while I…  
**Sam** :  You… with the Colt?!  
**Dean** :  You think that’s bad, you should have seen what I caught Dad doing with it.  
**Sam** :  What…? No.  I take it back.  I don’t want to know.  Let’s just, figure out our next move.

 

 

 

 **Episode 20:  Twigs & Twine & Tasha Banes  
Sam**:  Dude, Cas ditched his cell phone.  Look, Jody put an APB out for Cas and Kelly across three states.  Until that shakes something loose or we get some other break, all we’re doing is… is sitting around here banging our heads against a wall.  
**Dean** :  That’s not all we’ve been banging.  
**Sam** :  Let’s get out there.  
**Dean** :  You’re just gonna ignore that, huh?  
**Sam** :  *sigh* Their mom’s on a hunting trip and hasn’t been home in a week.  
**Dean** : Eh, you’re right.  Not my best line.  All right, let’s go.

 

 

 **Episode 21: There’s Something About Mary  
Dean**:  Alright, well, counting Ilene, that makes seven hunters in three weeks.  
**Sam** :  Yeah, and those are the ones we know about.  
**Dean** :  Seven monster related deaths and as far as I know, you’ve only slept with one of them.  
**Sam** :  That’s not funny, Dean.  
**Dean** :  I’m just saying, it rules out the Curse of the Magic Death Penis, so at least you know this time it wasn’t you.  
**Sam** :  Say magic death penis one more time and I’m cutting you off for a month.  
**Dean** :  Come on, Sam, you know I use humor as a mask to hide my real emotions.  
**Sam** :  Wow.  That was… surprisingly honest.  
**Dean** :  I know.  Having mom around really is opening me up.  
**Sam** :  Yeah.  
**Dean** : …magic death penis.  
**Sam** :  Damnit, Dean!  One month.

 

 

 **Episode 22: Who We Are  
Dean**:  *hits the brick with sledge hammer, brick particles get in his eye*  
**Sam** : Goggles?  
**Dean** :  Goggles.  Hey, Sammy!  
**Sam** :  What?  
**Dean** : This reminds me of homecoming.  
**Sam** : What?  
**Dean** : Remember?  When you busted a nut in my face and I got pink eye and dad was pissed ‘cause I couldn’t go on that hunt in Nebraska?  
**Sam** :  *shakes his head* Only you.  
**Dean** : Good times.

_-and-_

**Dean** :  Man, I knew you were psycho, but I didn’t know you were stupid.  
**Ketch** : I may be many thing, but I am not… *pulls out gun* …stupid.  
**Dean:**   Well, hot damn.  
**Ketch** :  What?  
**Dean** :  I’ve got a half a boner right now.  
**Ketch** :  Excuse me?  
**Dean** :  Seriously, I get what mom sees in you.  Want to make it a Winchester two-fer?  I guarantee I give better head.  
**Ketch** :  You must be joking.  
**Dean** :  Of course I am.  I’m just buying time for mom to cap your limey ass.  
**Ketch** :  Wha… *gets shot*

 

 

 **Episode 23: All Along the Watchtower**  
*stabs Crowley’s hand*  
**Dean** :  You think we trust you?  After what you pulled?  Hm?  No, you stay here, you sit down, and you shut up.  
**Crowley** : Was that really necessary?  My _right_ hand?  You couldn’t have stabbed my left one?  At least give me somethin’ to do.  
**Mary** : Is he always like this?  
**Sam** :  You should have seen what he did in the car a few years ago.  
**Mary** : What did he do in the car?  
**Crowley** :  *grins lasciviously* Well…  
**Dean** : *points a finger at Crowley* We don’t talk about that.  
**Mary** : Wha…  
**Dean** :  I said, we don’t talk about that. *walks away*  
**Sam** :  It’s a touchy subject.  
**Crowley** :  Speaking of _touchy_ subjects…  
**Sam/Mary** :  Shut up.


End file.
